Advice for a Dark Moon

If the energy feels stagnant today it's because it is. We have reached the end of our moon cycle and what is called a waning dark moon. Think of our moon cycles as the mini cycles of our lives. We are at the end of something, and though we may not be able to put our finger on it exactly, we can sense its mini death within us. This not the time to put your energy into new things or beginning again, that will come later this week. No, this is the time to honor the mini life that is now ending. I liken this period to Savasana in yoga, a very important pose of stillness and integration. If you are a yogi, you are familiar with Savasana, the Corpse pose, and you know there's no skipping Savasana or you miss the whole point of the practice. The integration is in the stillness and there's a reason why so many struggle with this pose. But we also know that's why it is the most important pose. Right now, its important to allow yourself to feel whatever it is that is coming up and know you will be ok, even if it feels troublesome. Maybe it's anxiety, maybe it's anger or sadness. This is part of the process and yes, this is the time when our shadow reveals itself again to be loved ever more deeply. Nobody's favorite time, but a necessary one if we want to understand wholeness in this lifetime.

On the other hand, the dark moon is a great time for cleansing your space, clearing your altars, resting, meditating, journaling. Tomorrow the moon moves into a powerful Virgo stellium and becomes new again in an exact trine to Uranus in Taurus. What feels stagnant today can, and will likely shift very quickly. Allow yourself to purge today, to feel, to move emotions. If you struggle to move emotions, practice it symbolically and mindfully by actually physically cleansing your body and/or your space. By doing so you energetically align with the cosmos. You create space for newness to move in when the cosmos deem it time. As I learn more about astrology, specifically the cycles of our moon, I am moved to share the little tidbits I find helpful in setting my own emotions and anxieties at ease. I hope this has been helpful for you.

Namaste ❤

"Keep Speaking for Me" (My Monday Meditation Musings)

"Keep Speaking for Me"
(My Monday meditation musings)

The moon begins anew in the sign of Virgo in a couple days. Virgo is a sign similar to Pisces, opposite ends of the zodiac creating the axis of service and selflessness. Where Pisces serves by connecting us to the otherworlds through mysticism and creativity, it is with Virgo that we serve in a tangible, earthly way using our bodies and sharp minds in acts of service. Many Virgos feel called to healthcare, teaching, or even military, for example, with a strong sense of duty to something greater than themselves. Are they conscious of it? Depends on the Virgo. (Stay with me here, I'm making this relatable whether you speak astrology or not.)

That's always the question in our stars, i find as I dive deeper into the abyss of ancient wisdom that is astrology, aka, the language of the stars. Are we conscious of ourselves? That's where the answers lie to all our human problems, isn't it though? When we know better, we do better. But so many of us are not conscious of ourselves and therefore either do not know or care enough to act.

This morning, I meditated to the sound of the rain, as the moon finishes off this cycle in the watery sign of Cancer. Cancer is symbolic of the Mother and right now, many of us are (finally) waking up to the suffering of our own Mother Earth. Whether you believe in the various climate theories should really be irrelevant. It is just fact that our planet is our collective and only home. And... we are taking terrible care of it! Just look at the literal ISLANDS made of plastic in the oceans, killing the innocent sea life. And for what? A straw? A single use bottle? Look how we destroy entire forests, homes to countless animals, indigenous PEOPLE, and TREES, 'the lungs of our planet,' as they say, for cattle farming. Why, so we can eat a cheap cheeseburger in our car? Really? Everything is so convenient these days that we have stopped thinking about the impact we have on the planet in our every choice. Suddenly the Amazon is on fire and we're like, 'gee, how did that happen?' Consider for a moment that how we care for the planet is how we truly care for ourselves. We are but a micro of the macro (Virgo/Pisces) afterall. Is there anything we can do, you might ask? In fact, there is SO much we can do. Being conscious when making our smallest daily choices (VIRGO) is a start.

Before I sank into meditation today, in prep for the new Virgo moon cycle, i expressed how my heart hurt for the Earth right now. I then asked aloud to the heavens, "how can I help? How can I be of service to the planet?" It was in the thunder that I heard the words "keep speaking for me" and my eyes filled with tears. Tears of grief, relief, joy, sadness.... All the feelings.

Sometimes as a creative person, what I am able to do just doesn't feel like enough. Maybe you don't know this, but every piece of art I create, (and I'd wager a lot of artists would say the same,) is in tribute to this beautiful planet, the life on it, and all the cosmos. Spirit is everywhere for me. I think life is miraculous and so is this planet we call home. My artist's heart wants nothing more than to be able to reflect back the beauty and inspiration I get every single day. To me, beauty is inspiration and inspiration is life force. I get life force when I wake up every day and experience people and the world around me. In exchange, in service of something greater, I give through my throat chakra, my voice center, which connects to my hands, which comes out tangibly as art, writing, and my various other creative outlets and healing modalities.

Now God knows I feel crazy enough on this planet and have since the beginning of time for me. Yes, it's hard for me to write this out and then push post, knowing the judgment that comes from some when you speak of God and the cosmos. In truth, though, it saddens me because it shows how very far we've gotten away from our true nature, which is always connected with God in a spiritual (not religious!) sense and then intertwined with every single living thing that we see (and don't see) in all the cosmos. Btw, it's all living! So letting go of self-judgment first (also Virgo) and continuing to speak for the planet is what I must keep doing because it is one thing I CAN do. There are other things I am planning and I will share more info on that soon. In the meantime, if you feel called to do so, I urge you to ask how you can serve. This Virgo new moon has very powerful and positive energy behind it supporting whatever intentions you make that are in true SERVICE. If your intentions are pure, God will always support you.

Namaste 💚🙏💚

There Is Nothing So Fickle As A Fish

"There is nothing more fickle than the fish...."

This is the start of a poem that I'll probably never come back to because that is me...it's my apology to those I have driven crazy with my indecisive and fickle ways. I'm not what you think I am, but I know how I come across. It surprises me when people think they know me or form an impression of me. I got told I seemed grounded again last weekend. This happens surprisingly frequently, and it just made me think, 'man, what kind of face am I putting forward today?' But the thing is, I'm not putting a face forward, really. Our perceptions and judgments of each other just are what they are. I'm always just being me, multifaceted.....and changing.

The Pisces full moon is on the 26th and it's hitting me hard already...this moon hits my Pisces 10th house sun, moon, mercury. For the non-astrology nerds, let me sum up: basically, what am I doing with my life?

Well, what AM I doing? Sometimes I really do not know. Mothering, I'm trying to, anyways.. Drawing. Painting. Praying. Shedding my armour. Doing my best. Trying to do what's right, even when that changes, even when it goes against the original plan. Things do change, like, all the time. Km not making that up, that's the thing. How can one just stay the course when everything changes? How can one even PICK a course? Pisces is the fish, the letter go, the follower of the flow. And that flow changes.

I'm waiting in this life too, waiting for something I'm not sure can be found on the earth plane. Pisces travels the other worlds as easily as this one. Easier, in fact, because in the other worlds, there is no time, body, or matter in the way. Creation is instantaneous there. Pisces knows none of this is real because we've seen the other side, so it is hard for me to stay driven in my life towards the more earthly matters. I really must force it if I'm to keep up with life, which of course, I must.

Pisces can create any illusion we want you to see; this is what makes me an artist. This is what makes me magical. This is what makes me flaky and grounded. My struggle comes from the fact that I know none of it goes with me in the end. It doesn't matter how much I paint or acquire or accomplish because it's not who I am. I simply... am. Same as you. Equal parts all things and no things. Equal parts good and evil, magic and melancholy, connector and disconnected, healer and unhealed.

I'm ready for this moon because our own moon always shines on us when we need it and moves our energy....i really need this to happen. This energy is heavy and intense. This summer has been hard. I'm thinking too much lately and unable to think....nothing gets done in this state and the moon is still several days away. 10 years ago, this mood would have sent me in a spiral for days until the energy passed. At 40 now, I am aware that my mood is fickle, and that's ok because now I understand that I am not my mood. I'm thankfully aware that like all other things in life, the current mood will pass too. In the meantime, the waves will continue to rise up from the depths and I will ride them; I'll practice the art of hanging on....while I letting go.

Namaste 💜🙏💜 

Heartache, Heart Opening, and Heart Stirring: #EmpathLife

My heart chakra feels like a big deal right now, my friends. I had a moment today. Sometimes... the feelings are so intense that while I may appear normal, I am not fully functioning as a normal person, not until I have vomited these feelings up and out all over my journal. I can look at you, we can have a conversation, but there are days that I am not with you. I am deep inside my spirit, processing something I never seem to be able to name, and yet in my life, I seem constantly driven to try. Empath life hurts a lot. Empath life has extremely beautiful moments, too, and I know to some I will sound dramatic here, but I think the empaths, creatives, and highly sensitive humans reading this will understand. I don't say this as though anyone else's life doesn't hurt as much. I'm asking you to think about the people that come to your mind that maybe you would tell to 'toughen up a little' or 'quit being so dramatic.' Those people. You can recognize that they're different and you can't seem to normalize them. It's a thing.

For me, something has always stirred underneath and sometimes it just really hurts. It is an unnameable feeling, and at the same time there is a pull here and a compulsive urge to try. I'm not sure any of us ever can. This is why some of us sensitive or creative types turn to drugs or sex or codependency. The feeling is incessant. This is why many incredible artists die young, because nothing ever numbs it long enough. Sure, their pain is what makes their art poignant and relatable; this is how they touch your soul. This pain makes the joys of their lives so incredibly blissful, too, but to manage life with this unnameable feeling so deep inside all the time, yet having the other feelings and emotions always right at the surface, well, it's a task. 

Before I carry on, I'll add here that you don't need to worry about me. I'm expressing one aspect of my life, of which there are many, including great happiness and joy. Life is a spectrum of feelings and it is one of my passions to dispel this myth that we must always be ok or that when we are feeling something other than happiness, we must shut it down immediately. I would like people to feel that we are always 'ok' in whatever we are feeling because we are people and not machines. Our feelings are our guidance and mine are guiding me towards something right now. So no, I'm not a danger to myself or anything. I take no drugs and I don't even drink anymore because in my heart, I believe God made me this way to move me towards my purpose, usually creative expression, by using my feelings. When I drink, I just don't accomplish much. In fact, when I drink, that is when I actually feel really low and what I would consider depressed. 

I just wish I had a better grasp of what it is that is happening in my body right now, in my world; that maybe I could trace this feeling back to a memory, perhaps even another life, or that I could skip ahead 6 months and know what it is that is causing this new stir and that it's going to be ok. Because there are legit days when I do not know. Sometimes... writing it out is still not enough. Crying, journaling, talking, painting, purging in all the ways I know... nothing is enough, nothing eases or empties it out of me fully. Time helps, obviously, but I can't seem to speed that up. Nature helps, certainly, in fact lately, nature is my best medicine. Breath helps in a moment, but sometimes there are a hundred moments a minute.

I practice various forms of relaxation; yoga, mindfulness, meditation, etc. I believe wholeheartedly in these practices, too. I am deeply spiritual and connected to my higher source. What I know is that some things in life simply cannot be eased. Human life is complex and incredibly frail and can only really be minorly managed. During certain periods (most periods,) uncertainty is king and faith is all there is. I know anyone appearing to have life under control is either a great actor or in for a great surprise. I believe it is the Universe talking to us through the feelings our body feels, but we cannot always understand what they are saying. What is it my heart is trying to understand now?

From this window today, I saw a homeless man collapse on the street as I was journaling my heart away into the pages. It turns out, his medication had been stolen the night before, plus it's really super hot out and he was clearly extremely dehydrated. By the time I got to him, some good people had already called an ambulance, so I went back inside to get him a water. Before I could give it to him, the ambulance had arrived so I just kind of stood there unable to help him, yet unable to leave him. You see, my desire to help is bigger than me most of the time. That's an empath trait and it is hard to manage in circumstances such as these. This whole scene broke my heart open with both love and pain. I can't tell you how beautiful this man was in this moment, thin, sick, and lying on the hot cement. I felt love for him that I can't describe. A strange way to describe it maybe, but that's what I see. There was beauty in the concerned looks of the good people who called the ambulance and stayed with him til it got there. In truth, i would have given this man all I had in this moment. Yet I knew in this moment, nothing I had to give would really matter to him at this point.

When I knew he was in the care of the medics, I went to my car. I sat their crying for this man, wondering if he would even live, and if he did live, would he just be back on the street again? I wondered how he'd  gotten there and how close my life has come to being there many times. I cried because I wondered why he was there and I wasn't. And then I cried because even in feeling heartache for him I knew I was judging him and who am I to do that? I cried mostly for the vulnerability that is this human experience. I cried because i saw myself in him and in truth, his life is not what I am ready for. It seems the Universe is intent on teaching me lately that these painful moments in life are what make us able to recognize the beautiful moments as, well, beautiful.

We all live in this world of polarity and contradiction; i would say empaths live in a world of extreme polarity and contradiction. I don't know if I'm fortunate or if it tortures me to not understand what separates me from this man or anyone else, for that matter. Why was this happening to him and not me? Or you?

I'm a heavily Piscean and Neptunian human. For the non-astrology nerds, this means that boundaries do not exist on many levels for me. Separation is reeeally unnatural and detachment is just a completely foreign thing, though, I do attempt it to a certain degree. It's great energy for creative and healing work, but even that I cannot separate as something I do versus something I am. I use it to my advantage as best I can. My life is a piece of creative and healing work every day. That's how I see it. With my mind I can see that we are different people, but my heart cannot feel the separation of our spirits. I know we are the same in the cosmic scheme of things and that knowing stays at the surface for someone like me. I know this because I have seen it with my very awake eyes, the webbing that connects you to me and vice versa. I also KNOW life could flip in an instant. I live with this deep knowing in the corner of my mind every day because my life has flipped on me in an instant a million times. It's not fear, necessarily, because I count myself as pretty fearless. It's just the root of this "feeling" I have today that I'm calling a stir. I know how fortunate I am. Gratitude fills my heart to the point of exploding almost every single day. I'm not someone who is unable to recognize my gifts or recognize that it could all be gone in an instant. I think the stir comes from knowing there is still so much I need, not want, but need to do in life and I need the support of the Universe to do it.

It's been a very strange year for me so far. My psychic abilities have been very keen. Many affirmations and these affirmations have opened my heart in a number of ways. Lately, I feel like my heart literally arrives at its location long before my body or mind. Perhaps that was part of my feeling today. I think maybe some part of me knew I would cross paths with the man on the street and be faced with the frailty of my own existence once again in a short amount of time.

Empath life is a thing, and I think what I'm trying to figure out anymore is am I using it the best way I can? Because I could not help that man today, so then why the connection? Was this just another heart opener? And if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, how can i be a little bit more at ease in it? Because its intense! How can I be a little more at ease in a world that is so close to me all the time? A world that is literally inside me causing feelings before my mind can become aware of it? A world that has been equally cruel to me as it has been amazing? How do you ease that? I don't know.

The irony here is that yes, I am a healer and through my creativity I help others along their spiritual journey, but I have no answers for myself much of the time. I don't really even know that I need answers because I love this about myself. I love being able to reach others and touch hearts. I don't want to close myself off or shut it down. However, I'm open to tips. I'd like to understand it better...

I don't know how to end this entry today. This has just been a moment of sharing a moment that touched me. Again, this is just my blog and I use it to express my truths along my journey. Some of this is incoherent, I'm sure, but I also hate editing. All I know right now is that my heart is majorly on my sleeve in this life and I just can't seem to move it...

Namaste 💜🙏💜

Stephanie  

The Pits of Heck: My Thoughts On Dating After 40

Romantic love. What in the actual bad word is this subject matter? My friends, be honest with me, how did you know your one was the one? This is something that eludes me at now 40 years old, and yes, I'll be straight up, I’m having a lame day and blogging. Never advisable under a Mercury retrograde, but here we are.  It’s true, I am moody today and when I am moody, I seem to want to write about it and express it all over the place. This makes for many of my posts being quite moody, which maybe makes me seem like a big emotional basketcase all the time. This is not true, btw. (Maybe a little true) But I'm actually pretty fun. Anyways, you know I like to keep it real over here, so I am admitting that I feel like kind of a like a big fat failure in love and relationships as of tonight. Right now I am wondering if I’m a deludinoid, holding out for something that maybe doesn’t exist or worse, has maybe past me by. Am I just too picky? Is there such a thing? Because if so, like where do you decide something doesn't matter to you anymore? I am wondering tonight if I just don’t understand commitment or if I'm just completely, completely (double completely) incompatible. Whatever it is, I find myself clueless. So here we have this blog, which I offer as purely a moment of truth in my world. I’ll add, that like all moments, yes, I am aware that this is a transient one.

But today I am lonely, confused, and super duper sick of dating. That's right, super duper. I'll start by saying that I am not a dater and I have never been a dater. I've basically had 3 boyfriends in my entire life, one of which I married for a good portion of it, if that tells you anything. People tell me all the time now that I should "date around!" and “just have fun!” But um…dating is not fun to me. And date who? I am especially introverted this way, and yes I know it will likely be my lonely old demise. But you guys, my energy is just far too precious to me to share over and over on the “maybes” of the world. I have a pretty keen sense of people right away. I have never wasted my energy on a maybe and I don't see why I should now. I’ve never done this with my friendships and I can’t seem to bring myself to do it with relationships. I'm just not one to "maybe" around, you know? I want to know. I want the sparks. 

I have learned that dating is not as easy when you get older. Your life is different and busy and not that social and honestly, times have really changed. There is a new-fangled way of dating in your 40s, i.e. online, and it is literally my idea of hell. It exhausts me and it hurts me. Not because of rejection, let me clear here, and I swear I’m not tooting my own horn or anything, but I don’t’ get rejected that often and even when I do, I’m confident enough in me to know that it isn’t about me. No, online dating hurts me because it is so cold and fleeting. It is my hell because it is so superficial and easy to just keep swiping. No one puts any real effort into it, and in my opinion, this is because we all hate it and because of its design, we're always thinking there's got to be something better next up. It makes me feel gross and I feel my essence diminished to know hundreds, maybe even thousands of “someones” are on the other end of this thing sizing me up like a piece of meat. Because, yes, I can confirm, that there are a LOT of unsavory people out there. Going back to the introvert thing, I honestly don’t even like my energy mixing around digitally with the majority of them. 

So this is where I am at age 40. I get lonely too. I work in my home. I work mostly with children. I have my own children and my main hobby and passion, art, is isolating by its very nature. My friends are all coupled. Plus, I live in Johnson County Kansas suburbia where as far as they eye can see are happily married couples who are friends with other happily married couples. It’s a weird place to be single and so yes, I feel I have to at least try what is available to me. I also like to believe the Universe uses the avenues we take and so yes, I get myself social and out, but I try other ways too. I will say, I have met some great people, so I know there are at least some great people out there and available. But for me right now, it's just kind of blah. Lately, I am no longer wondering ‘will I ever meet someone?” but rather ‘is there even a someone for me to meet?’ Maybe I’m fortunate in this way, but in truth, what makes me wonder this is that I meet nice guys all the time. Oh yes, they're out there, but for me, it's always just kind of blah. It's nice, but there are no sparks. Are there even sparks after 40? I don't really know. So now I am wondering if one wishes to be in relationship before one is dead, does one literally just pick someone nice and make it so? Like is this what commitment is? Of course, if this is true, then have I already met my someone and just failed? Have I even met my next someone failed again? Is it me? Do I have bad karma? How does this stuff work? And do I ever even get the chance to figure this out?

The idea of lifelong committed partnership is something my heart really desires in this life. I am honest when I say that. But I am 40 now, and I mean, my idea of “lifelong” is like, kind of not too far away! Obviously, I know I am no expert so all there is to do is just keep going and keep trying. I should mention here that of course I do trust the Universe and I know that’s God’s time is not mine and love will roll around when God says its time for me. BUT.... what if God’s time is when I’m like 75? And then what if I’m so happy when I meet my person that I get too excited and die of a heart attack when I’m 75 and a half? What if I live to 100 without ever meeting my person? Because that happens! To me it would be tragic, but there is such a thing as a tragic life! Am I being irrational? Yes, maybe so, but this is my thinking some days. This is my thinking after yet another mediocre date that I knew would be mediocre, but I went anyways, just in case.

Maybe this doesn’t sound like a problem to you, but the other thing is, I never really have bad dates. I’m actually quite charming! My dates usually go pretty well. Yes, that's right, I hate dating that much and I can’t even say my experiences are bad. I am genuinely curious about (almost) every single human being, so yeah, I can make conversation. I'm hilarious most of the time, and so yeah, I can create laughter too. Also, I sincerely care about my fellow humans, so yes, I can absolutely connect. I’m extremely selective in the first place, so even when it is clearly not what I want in relationship, I can still find the gold and make the most of our time. I’ve actually made a few friends! But, my friends, I don’t want anymore friends. I already have like 3 really excellent friends and frankly, I’m at capacity!

Problem is, my dates are just ok. I meet great people with real potential, but there is no spark and that confuses me. Spark exists! That's the thing that haunts me most. I know I have known love in the past. I know that sparks exist and that something unique happens when crossing paths with a special person. There is magic and destiny in that moment in whatever way it comes about. When I met my ex-husband and he shook my hand, I literally felt electricity shoot up through my arm. Sparks! I knew in that instant that he was special, I actually knew that I would marry him, and that we would create a beautiful family, which of course, we did. Did I know it wouldn’t last? Obviously, no.  My heart did not pick up on that key piece and I’m glad because how can I possibly have regrets? After my husband and I divorced, I was fortunate to find love again, and this time, once more, I knew this was no ordinary love, either. This love was magical and psychic and mysterious. Instantly, I knew it in the pit of my stomach that this person was destined for me and a soul mate of cosmic proportion. Upon our first meeting, the elements were insane, the sky poured rivers down onto the earth, the wind thrashed through the trees, literally the clouds lit up and lightning shot within feet around us, forcing us to take notice of the moment we were in. I remember it like a movie, almost unreal in its vividness, and yet it was real. Sparks, again, the key ingredient. But…. That relationship, too, did not last. Although it remained quite magical, I just could not figure out how to make it tangible, and I admit, it has confused me for over 2 years to have something like this show up in in my life, to make me a believer in magic and love once more, and yet not have it be something I can make happen for real in my day to day. I feel doomed at times to have had these sparks because now I know they exist. I think had I never known sparks I could be settled down by now, but unfortunately, every first meeting I have with someone is inevitably compared and I wonder ‘will I ever know magic in love this way again?' Am I too old now for romance and sparks? I don't think so, but like there's not a lot of it out there for me at the moment and my mind is beginning to question things. Is it time to approach things differently? Are sparks and compatibility mutually exclusive?

The other thing is, I work at myself. I’m relatively pulled together in my life, yet still very aware of my shortcomings. I’m smart, I’m healthy, I’m funny, I’m confident. I’m mostly happy and God knows I continue to be humbled by some bullshit in real life. What I seek in a partner is depth, authenticity, humor, and emotional availability so I do my best to attract those qualities by being those qualities. I’m likeable and I know that. I love myself, which by the way, I’m sick of people advising me to do. It’s insulting because really, if I didn’t love myself, I would have settled long ago. So yes, I love myself probably more than anyone that has ever offered this advice. I do know what I deserve and I hold out for it as best I can. Meanwhile, I practice gratitude for what I have, that doesn't mean I don't get grouchy and frustrated. My integrity is huge for me and so I want to be clear that I don’t say these things in vanity, I just know what I am. I work with clients and help people as a healer and teacher almost daily. The above qualities are what make me good at doing so and I have found that dating is really sort of like meeting with clients. Connecting with people on deeper levels is easy for me. 

But I think this is what makes it confusing for everyone I date. Deep conversation and connection are my strengths and I think people are thirsty for that in a world of snapchat filters. When it comes to dating, I know I’m rare and a catch. There's a lot of superficiality out there, a lot of immaturity. When you cross paths with someone authentic, it stands out and you at least give it a try. So yes, I meet great people, but without the sparks, I find myself frequently confused if someone is cool and engaging, but there is no magic there for me. I just don't think that's a thing. Is it? Too often, I find myself in the position of having to let people down, which sucks because I am an empath. Detachment is really not my strength and so I end up feeling that stuff right back in one way or another. Therefore, I just don’t date that much. People advise me to give chances, go on second dates... to me I'm like, 'but why?' Like can you really start as friends? I ask this in honesty because I have never done this. As I mentioned before, I have enough friends. For me, when it comes to love, what I am looking for are the sparks. Without sparks, I don't know wtf I am doing and why I'm doing it.

Before I go on, let me just add that I’m mostly happy alone. Like, really happy. It's taken me awhile to get here, but I have found purpose in my time. I know when my someone finally rolls his slow evolved ass around,  I will be the person I am meant to be, as will he. I think anyone that knows me knows I’m pretty upbeat and optimistic and I definitely make the most of my time on my own. This makes it tricky too because I’m looking for someone who makes being together better than being by myself. A huge task! Alone time is where my creativity kicks in, and this is hugely important to me. The irony is that at my age, I actually like myself better than I ever have. I feel at my best and I'm excited to share that. Days like today, yes, it does get lonely. I don't want to be creative or even be my best on days like this. I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok. With age comes the ever clear knowing that life is short and sometimes I just want to know that I'll get to share it at some point with someone that’s more than a friend. (No offense, friends.) They say date yourself when you are single, which I do, (and have a bitchin time btw,) but I don’t know…I am human like everyone else, and though I am quite introverted, I still require connection. To be clear, I don’t sit around desperately longing either (maybe some days….)  I mostly just live my life the best I can on my own, following my love, reaching out to friends, still keeping my heart open to finding my someone someday.

But guys, some days? I think what is scariest to me now is the fear of growing old alone and you know what? I’m already kind halfway there. Little getting older things are creeping up on me so I feel like I have to at least put some kind of effort forward in the realm of dating. At this point in my post, maybe you can see how I work myself into a tornado of thoughts. Again, I’ll blame this one on Mercury retrograde. I've also done no yoga today and me of all people knows better than to blog without yoga. In truth, at this point, I can admit that I have no idea what I am doing in relationship and I find myself in a pickle because of the whole potentially growing old and dying alone thing. Do you date? Do you wait? I don’t know. People tell you all the time it happens when you stop looking. This is super false, btw and we should stop perpetuating this lie because everybody is always kiiiinda looking. We’re people! But also, a lot of the time I am literally not looking. Like I mentioned before, and as many of you know, I’m a clueless deludinoid much of the time, quite happy off in my own little world. In fact, friends will point out to me that I am being flirted with or checked out and I’ve completely missed it because I was looking at the shapes in clouds or or pretending I'm in a music video or obsessively reading license plates.   

What am I getting at with this post? I really don’t know. I think I’m venting. I really just want answers and the universe seems unwilling to give them at this time. Yes, I do know the cosmos are in a shakeup and we are in the midst of a massive energy shift. Asking questions really is pointless right now. This will make sense to me someday, and more than likely, I’ll even regret this post tomorrow. But today, dating is horrible and crushing my romantic spirit. Today, I would like to move onto the next phase of my life, which is mostly the same except I’m holding hands with someone and knowing I’m not dying alone. By the way, please don’t comment that we all die alone, especially if you are partnered or co-dependent or have never faced real long term alone-ness in your life. I’m a little too sensitive today for it. Alone-ness can be brutal and scary, and sometimes even the most strong among us have a spaz. Today is my spaz and like I do, I just try to share my truth. Yes, I know I'm normally the one telling everyone else to trust the Universe. Deep down, I do, but I'm sorry if you were wanting to read something uplifting. That's just not my game at the moment. However, if you want to comment, maybe just tell me your love stories and restore my hope in such a thing.

Namaste

Stephanie

PS: Also, don't feel bad for me. I'm resilient af and I flip the light on like a switch. I'll be cool tomorrow. That's the beauty of expressing yourself and letting things go....  

Tarot: How And Why I Read The Cards and When To Get Them Read For Yourself

Long title, sorry about that. 

I felt inspired to blog a little bit about the tarot today, how I read the cards, and why I read them and when you might benefit from a reading with me. Before we get started, let me just point out what makes me qualified to write this. I have been privately studying tarot for about 7 years now. I’ve read tons of books, articles, and follow and handful of trusted blogs. This has been a passionate study for me and I have been reading for myself for almost as long. I have been reading for clients for a little over a year and have absolutely fallen in love with this work. By no means do I count myself as an expert. I know this tool well enough now to KNOW, there is no such thing as an expert on it, but I also know that’s one of the things that makes it so amazing. I do believe I have good intuition into this tool. I know when I read for my clients, I touch their soul because one after another, they tell me so.

Firstly, there is a lot of misinformation and myth out there about tarot. I know it certainly comes with a lot of stigma. People think of tarot and they think gypsies and witches of old, casting spells and cursing families to a life of bad luck. What I will say is that things that are seen as mysterious are often misunderstood to be bad. This is nothing new for our collective and only goes back to how close-minded we are as a species. If your mind is open, I encourage you to read on.

For me, I have always had a fascination with occult studies, symbols, and tools. I thrive on the idea of magic on a practical and real level. I believe in the mystical and mysterious because I have seen it before my eyes. I know there is more to life than meets the eye, but these are stories for another time. Most importantly, I have a deep relationship with God. I believe it is God who opens my heart and my mind to true knowledge through these tools. Do I go to church? No. Religion has never colored my understanding of God and I am more than ok with it. I am fascinated by religion, however, and I do study it in a way that is detached, I guess you could say. I want to discover the common threads among religions and how others have understood God, but more than that, I want my own experience. My passion is spirituality, and I guess you could say that I see religion and spirituality as very separate things. My experiences with God have been real and my own and left me a believer in a way that is strong and pure for me. I do pray and ask God to speak to me and lead me to the things that will assist me in my life so that I can assist in helping others. My heart’s desire for my life on this planet is to be of service to others, that's just what makes me happy. I wish to put people in touch with spirit because of how spirit has touched me. I wish to be a light and a guide for others during times they cannot be a light for themselves. I do this through my art and creativity, I do this through my spiritual coaching and energy work, I do this through my tarot readings and other occult studies. Everything I do, I do with the intention of being of service. When I read the cards, I first set the intention that the reading be in the highest and best interest of the querent (you) or collective (depending on the reading.) I meditate and listen for God to speak before I interpret. I know the messages I convey are divinely inspired.

When people sit for a reading they want answers. Many want to be told what to do. They want proof and fireworks. Many just want you to tell them what they want to hear. I do not do this and I’d say run away from anyone that believes they are predicting your future and/or telling you what to do. This is NOT how this tool works. I suppose in that way, people may leave my readings feeling disappointment and that is ok by me. They do not understand the true tarot and the messages I convey for them which are much bigger than ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ The message I convey asks them to do the deep healing soul work that is required of them to get those clear answers for themselves and to get them where they really wish to go. That is my understanding of this tool and I like people to know that about me when I read for them. Many are not ready for this. Many see it as a game or parlor trick, but that is where they are in their journey, perhaps afraid of seeing themselves in their light, and I accept that our paths have crossed for maybe nothing more than to plant a seed. This is how the healer works, I've come to understand. 

As I understand it, the tarot is a guide book to life, one of many life guidebooks that I can acknowledge, but I’m not going into those here. The tarot is a journey full of symbols and signs, archetypes, and meanings within meaning. Every single one of us goes through certain stages of life. There are ends for all of us and new beginnings and all the steps along the way. Certain themes will inevitably play out in our lives. Death, for example, will rear its head in each of our worlds at some point, both realistically and symbolically to teach us letting go. The Tower will inevitably bring destruction to the part of our life that is built upon shaky foundations. Lovers, our soul mates, will cross our paths in due time bringing both unparalleled love, pain, and either the heaviest or most brilliant consequence. The Star, hope, will come shining in during the darkest of times to light our way. There are steps and phases and cycles that each and every one of us has in common. That’s all this tool is. A tarot reading is a snapshot of your energy, right now, where you are in this moment, and lays it before you. It does not read your future, but it does give insight into the energies and potential outcomes for your situation in question.

This is where the reader comes in. Me. What any good and trusted reader knows is that the future is fluid and infinite in potentialities. It changes by the second and at your own hands. No matter what I say or the cards show, you are in control of your life. I like to provide this light and reiterate to my clients that we have free will as human beings. We are never doomed to fate. These cards do not tell the future, only the potential energy outcome based upon the energy we carry now. We make choices in life and we can change outcomes, by understanding the consequences of our choices. That is all. We learn a lesson or we don't, and then we watch it come around again for us with a new coat of paint on it. My part in this is to look at the cards and interpret the story being told. I study the themes and patterns, to understand the phase you are in. I look to the deeper meanings and see the energies that are helping you and the energies that are hurting you. I interpret how the cards interact. Oh, that’s the other thing. Each card is read individually and then it is read in relationship with the other cards. They interact and change meaning based upon their placement in a spread and what other cards lie around them. Infinite possibilities, with each story being completely unique, yet with common themes that we can each relate to.

This is where good intuition comes in. I use a number of tools to help me read for my clients. Firstly, I am an empath and energy worker, which means I can feel things from people. I feel the energy you bring. I am extremely intuitive and moderately psychic. I get visions and insights as I speak with you and look around at the symbols before me. I also use my intermediate understanding of numerology and astrology to help me know what other energies may be playing out for you. Astrology and tarot work hand in hand, especially well. Astrological symbols show up in the cards over and over because it, too, is a study of cycles, symbols, and archetypes. It is a very misunderstood study, too, I might add. It is a subject I am studying passionately, as well, and the deeper I go, the more impossible it is for me not to incorporate it in my readings in some way.

Why get a reading? I would encourage anyone to get a reading that needs a little reassurance and clarity about their life path. Although, there is a caveat with seeking clarity. Sometimes in life we are just in a holding pattern; we are at the The Hanged Man and there is no insight or action to take at the moment. Sometimes we are asked to wait and trust the mystery of the Moon. There are certain cards that will reveal themselves when clarity cannot be found. In this case, the answer is to trust, to meditate, and let go. I believe we all intuitively know where we are, why we are here, and where we are headed. But it’s nice to have that feedback from someone else. I like to think that aligning people to their highest soul purpose is one of my gifts. As a healer and lightworker it is part of my energy to see you in your highest self and hold you there. That’s how my work is done. I hold you in the highest light until you accept no less for yourself. I believe in you because I see only the true you.

That’s really all I’ve got on this subject today. I’d love to do a personal reading for you sometime. I do offer individual readings as well as a tarot/reiki combo, which I highly recommend as the energy work releases the energetic blocks to a very clear reading. I can be available via Skype or phone, if that suits your needs. I’m also happy to book parties where I can read for a group. You can book me under the “Book Me” section of my website. If you are curious about the way that I read and would like to check me out first, I encourage you to follow my Daily Tarot blog on my website or follow me on Instagram at @stephaniegweiss or on Facebook at Art by Stephanie Weiss. Please reach out to me with any questions.

Namaste 💜🙏💜

What Is A Reiki Session Like?

I am frequently asked by potential clients ‘what is a Reiki session like?’ I think people have a lot of fears and apprehension surrounding things that aren’t their norm and so my intention with this blog today is to help release some of this for you.  Let me start by saying that I love doing this work.  I see people leave my space in the best of spirits, having experienced something truly special and intuitively good for them. I often get messages following a session about what a great experience someone had, what a magical and synchronistic day they had following the session, and/or how it’s helped them make a much needed change or decision. That makes me feel really good and on the right path.  

In a session, the first thing we do is simply talk for a period of about 10-15 minutes.  I am very intuitive and so the initial talk helps to give me an idea of what a person’s energy makeup is like and where there may be blocks or imbalances. I also like to know what they are experiencing in their life, why they are interested in Reiki, and what they are hoping to gain from it. However, this conversation is not necessary for me. It’s more to set the client at ease with me.

I am always very honest when meeting my clients for a session. In some ways, I like to downplay the profound effects of energy healing and let them know that at the very least, they will rest and feel deeply relaxed for a little while. What I know as the practitioner is that the deep rest I minimize, well, that’s really where the work is done. It is important that I be very clear that Reiki or other forms of energy work is not magic. It is, essentially, you, being deeply relaxed, and me, with a clear and focused intention on your love and overall well-being. It is in a state of deep rest that a person is receptive to such intention.  Every client will experience something different, some experiences will be more profound, immediate, and obvious, while some more subtle and unfolding over time.

I believe the work I do as a Reiki practitioner merely acts as a catalyst for self-awakening and self-healing. We are all capable of healing, but sometimes we need a mirror to show us how. My gift as a Pisces and lightworker is that I naturally view each human I encounter at their very best; no matter how sick, no matter how sad, or down-on-their luck.  I see your best. I see your light. I see you living your best life. I believe you deserve it. I believe in it because I see and feel it.  It’s automatic and it’s important that a healer have this ability to see the deepest and highest version of people because that belief is where wellness and awakening begin.

After our initial chat, if the client is willing, I like to do a sage smudge around the auric field. Auras are not something I see in the typical way. I do not see colors, but I do see blurs and dark and light spots. I don’t know how to describe this really. I kind of have my own language surrounding these things, but I know the blurs and dark spots are just negative energy patterns that are stuck. The smudging helps to loosen and clear them.  However, this step is not necessary if a person has allergies or is uncomfortable with it.

Next I ask the client to lie on the table, fully clothed.  I dim the lights and have soft music playing as I begin walking them through a relaxation technique and small visualization. I’ve been told that I have a very relaxing voice and that this step is one of my strong suits. As I speak, I am running my hands above the client, again feeling the different energy patterns and potential blocks. At this point, and at the comfort level of the client, I will say a small prayer out loud (or in my head, if it is the client’s preference) inviting God (or higher power,) and the angels and guides I work with to assist me in this work. If the client is ok with it, I invite their higher power, angels, and guides to be present and work with me, as well. 

The colors of the 7 chakras

At this point, I remind the client to turn to their breath and then I begin by placing my hands on the top of their head, working down to their feet.  I typically work with the chakras, simply because this is where I feel the energy most intensely. Occasionally, I am drawn to other areas and will work intuitively, as well.

Clients experience a range of things and I have truly seen it all. Physically, a client will typically experience, deep relaxation or meditative state, hot or cold sensations, tingling, etc. Other sensations or experiences may be spontaneous laughter or crying. I have had clients tell me they feel “phantom hands” or in other words, my hands on parts of the body that I am not currently touching.  I have clients slip into, what I believe, are past life scenes surrounding trauma that are affecting their energy in this life. I’ve had clients experience the beginning stages of out of body or astral travel. All clients seem to experience a sense of “lightness” when the session is complete. My first time as a Reiki client, I had 10 minutes of uncontrollable laughter, to the point of tears and saw everything made of rainbows the rest of the day.  It was truly one of the best days of my life.  All these experiences are quite normal and not to be feared.  Sensations like this are how your body responds to the serious release of energetic blockages and attempts to find new flow and we all experience release and flowing energy in different ways.

As an empath and intuitive, I experience different things in each session as well. As I place my hands on (or above) a client, I oftentimes see colors, signs, ideas, patterns, numbers, portals, images, or entire life scenes. I have had sensations of being in water, such as, the sea or a waterfall. I have experienced floating in the air or space, extreme heaviness or slowness, coldness or heat.  Occasionally, I see people, guides, angels, lights surrounding the client. I often experience pressure or mild pain in an area that my client was injured or traumatized. A lot of what I experience is emotional, as well, such as sadness, extreme lack of self-love, or deep-seated anger in certain areas. Understand, though, that I do not carry these sensations or emotions  as my own. I experience it briefly in a way that is not part of me. Then I visualize it cleared and transmuted.  I am trained as a practitioner how to experience it in a safe way, but always bring myself back to the light.  And always, always, always visualize my client in wellness, love, and light. This is essential.  

After I’ve worked my way to the feet, I ground and clear my energy and begin to bring the client’s awareness back to the room. The client is invited to sit up, at their ready, at which point we discuss the session. I like to know what the client experienced, how he/she is feeling. Oftentimes, a client will feel too light, in that case, I work to ground them some. I then like to share my experience and any guidance that I may have received.  Again, I have my own language for these sensations so you’ll hear me use words like “buzzy” or “swirly” or “fizzy” or “mirky,” just to name a few. I find, however, that the client always knows what I am getting at and felt it too.  It’s always fascinating and affirming to me to discuss the various experiences with my clients because it is ALWAYS relevant. ALWAYS.  That continued relevance is truly why I continue to do this kind of work.  I am always amazed at how energy work changes lives, not to mention, how my interactions with my clients changes mine in return.

I typically recommend my clients think of Reiki as life maintenance and self-care, such as you would with massage or chiropractic work. I like to see people at least every six months, if not more depending on their needs. Energy work is especially beneficial in times of high stress, transition, or illness and if someone is feeling extremely bogged down or low, I set up a series of sessions occurring every few weeks until we can spread it out a little more. 

If you are interested in giving Reiki energy work a try, I would love to be your choice of practitioner. My client’s stress reduction, deep relaxation, comfort, and care are my highest of priorities. I currently take clients in my home, however, I am able to travel within a 45 mile radius, but note that I do charge an additional $5 fee for gas, in this case.  Please message me if you are interested in a session for yourself or considering a session with me as a gift for someone in need of healing energy.

Thank you and Namaste

Stephanie <3

The Modern (And Mindful) Single Mom: Some Thoughts On Relationship And Life

I don't know what it is.....maybe it's just me, maybe it's getting older, maybe it's the new-fangled, incredibly awkward way of meeting people these days, maybe it's being an introvert, maybe it's having been on my own so long now....maybe it's a combo of all the above plus a few other things, but dating is awful now. Just awful. My (very limited) experience dating as a single mom has been a bit frustrating, to say the very least. It's not that there aren't decent men available, there are. They're decent. I am fortunate to attract really cool people into my life. And though I am not actively searching any longer, when I do happen upon a date or relationship, it has always been with a kindhearted and well-intentioned person, most definitely.   

But the thing is, I've had to put a pause on my love life. It's freaking me out. It seems to me like every single man my age-ish is ready to dive in. Marriage talk, like, right away. Not that I don't appreciate this. I absolutely do. I get it. It's scary out there and a catch is rare. But is this what men think single mothers want? Is this what single men want? I mean, it's good to know that I am lovable, because frankly, sometimes I feel like I might be too weird to be loved....but hello, that's another blog. And it's not that I don't want a relationship, either. I am human and of course I do. But my marriage and my subsequent divorce has taught me many, many things. Quite frankly, it has been a level of difficult, both physically and emotionally, that I never want to face again. This may sound pretty obvious to some, but you must understand that I am an optimist to a fault. When I set about my new single life, I looked at it thinking it would all just magically come together and there would be no hard times. I don't always grasp the harsh reality, you guys, or believe that harsh reality will grasp me. But alas, over the last 2 and a half years, the universe has toughened me up and proven to me that I am indeed protected, but not invincible. 

My life is drastically different than it was 5 years ago. It's almost spooky to me to look at pictures or journals and think 'who is that person?' I see the suffering in my eyes, the fear, the sadness in my words. I remember the perpetual knot in my stomach and frog in my throat. I remember the constant attempt to hold back my tears. What I should mention here is that my ex-husband was always quite loving; a good man and father, then, now, and always. I will always be grateful for this relationship and what we attempted to build together. We did our best, but I, Stephanie, was lost completely within my marriage and deeply unhappy. Not because of him ever, but because of me. I wasn't being me. Fully. I tried so hard to be the good wife, the good mother, the good everything. I tried to make everyone so happy, to make everything so perfect. I thought that was what made me happy, to make everyone else happy. And it did. It did and it didn't....it's very confusing sometimes.  But in fact, I think that's what surprises people who knew us as a married couple the most, that we could ever fail because we seemed so perfect. I tried hard to fit in and be happy there, I tried really hard to be content the way he always was. But I failed us. I failed him. That's what eats at me the most now. Although, I really don't like to believe things as having failed or succeeded. That's not how I think. It's all meant to be, in my opinion. One thing leads to another, divine order, etc. etc. But he was always content and it made feel really guilty to want something else.

But I did. I wanted other things. I never had me time in my life. I never lived on my own. Plus, I never finished college. This ate at me through our marriage......it eats at me to this day, actually. Because I struggle to find decent work and decent pay, (no offense to my wonderful and kind-hearted boss, wink wink, but I'm pretty sure she knows that my current work is not my dream nor am I very well-suited for it, anyways.) But I know this lack of college experience left a hole in me. It left me feeling like I don't have a "career" or that I could "make it" in the world without the support of my spouse or parents or roommates. This is very frustrating to me because I am extremely intelligent and once I learn something, I excel quite quickly. Not bragging, it's just what it is, friends. ;) But I suppose this brought up some resentment in me through my marriage that I've had to resolve.

The point is, in my life, I've never been on my own. But now I am. It's very scary at times but I have reached a point in it that I feel like I have created a new pathway for myself. Broken an unhealthy cycle, if that makes sense. Co-dependency. Because oddly enough, I rather like being alone, certain aspects anyways. I am much happier now and much more free in my spirit. I don't want to be alone forever, let me just put that out there, Universe! But I am in no rush to jump back into marriage or anything resembling it, anytime soon. At this point, I'm not sure I want that ever again really. And I suppose this is what I want to share here. And what I hope may help other single mothers or men that would like to date a single mother. We aren't trying to marry you.

Right now, my life is my kids. They're pretty much it. And I love it. They're growing so fast, it's insane, and frankly, I don't want to miss a second of it. When my kids are not with me, when they're at their dad's or I'm at work, it pains me deeply. I miss them like crazy nuts. Before my divorce I was a stay-at-home mom and my kids were my day and night. I feel an immense amount of guilt over my divorce when it comes to the kids, so much so that I even feel guilty at my rare attempts to heal that guilt...if that makes sense? This is not to say I regret my divorce...I do not. I know he and I are both much more peaceful inside and out now, on our own very different paths. But I admit, it's hard to feel like a good mother sometimes, even though I know I am a good mother. I'm ok with this, by the way, this guilt. At least for now. I don't need peptalks or anyone giving me their self-help "but you need a life too" type of thing. This is my life and I'll do what I do. One thing is for certain, and this I feel good about, is that my kids will not reach adulthood wondering if I care about them, wondering where I was when they were kids. My "time" will come, but it is not now and that's really ok by me. Right now I work, I spend time with my kids, and then I work some more, either at my job or towards my true passions of art and yoga. These things make me happy and that's enough for me.

I'm putting this here because I think there is a misconception that single mothers are all trying to find a new husband to take care of them. This is not the case for me. I had that. Frankly, my life was quite safe and comfortable before. Many single mothers I know have HAD that and left it for a reason. Because it just wasn't a good fit. Now don't get me wrong, single motherhood is some bullshit, at times. It's hard and God, some days I just want some help. But, I also know God sends me the help I need when I need it in the form of family and friends and especially my kids. I am able to recognize this and am so grateful for it. When the help comes, it is also a sign from God to me that I don't need to settle in love. I can have what I want and what I want will come. The love I seek is coming for me and in the meantime, I can just relax and be present where I am. Right now I am supposed to remember these hard moments and enjoy the good ones because I won't get them back.

That's not to say I don't want companionship. I absolutely do. I get lonely like everyone else. But my singlehood has taught me what I want and do not want. Any potential relationship just has to fit. I'm happy, dangit. Sure I'm open to someone, but I can't force it right now. I can't make it my number 1 right now. I can't make it be something it's not going to be right now. It just has to click and I'm not going to waste anyone's time lying and saying it does when it doesn't because I'm busy. That's the promise I can make. Many of the single mothers I know are much the same. They're single not because there are no options out there, but because they're busy. They're busy creating and being present in their lives. These are what I'll call your "mindful" single mothers. These are the ones who know themselves and their habits and cycles. They're self-aware and learning from their past, determined not to repeat the same mistakes because we know the pain and the impact is too great. And frankly, any potential partner that enters my life had better be much the same. I'm not looking to take care of anyone or heal anyone or be mommy to anyone.

Let me just say it's kind of nuts to me how many men are looking for someone to play substitute wife and mother. I mean, really. Sure we're all flawed and in pain somehow and just trying to find love. And yes, our flaws make us beautiful and unique and yes we deserve to be loved as we are, but come on. You have to take responsibility for your life and your own happiness. It's not fair to place that on someone else. I think I'm maybe a little extra sensitive to this because I know my energy is high and that attracts people who want to be high too. I am an empath and natural healer, as well, so I spot this stuff right away because I see it so frequently. I don't mean this harshly, I just get tired of it because I am human and I get sick of stuff. I get sick of being needed. The second I start to feel that need, I cringe inside and shut down, because to me, that's attachment, not love. Attachment is manipulative. Attachment wants you to be something you are not or do things you can't do and I just won't do that to myself anymore. Love is different. Love is freedom. Love is patient. Love is open and unafraid.

I guess I've just been alone so long now, I've learned to enjoy it. I want to find someone like that. Someone who can hang by himself and be cool with it. I know in my heart now that I don't NEED someone anymore nor do I want to be needed. I want to want someone and to be wanted, there's a difference. I am complex and I want someone who really wants to take the time to know me and not try to use me or change me or squeeze me into their box. The right someone just wants me, all aspects. The right someone for me is learning from his life. The right someone for me is passionate about his own life and knows what he wants. He is adaptable and does not wish to repeat his history. He is open to new things, a new way of being, he can change himself when he wants to. But most importantly, he who knows who he is and is responsible for his own happiness. That's what I can offer in return.

I want something different every day because I am growing and evolving each day. Mindful single mothers want someone like this back, someone who gets this. We make time for learning and creating. This is super important. We are open to new ideas and doing things differently. We thrive on new ideas, in fact. We are evolving and want to continue evolving. We create time for self care and self knowledge. We read. We study. We LISTEN. We empathize. We journal. We understand ourselves better now and our boundaries. We respect ourselves and said boundaries. We value every minute with our children. Add introvert into that mix and you have a very content single person in me.

Personally, I want to be a better version of myself tomorrow than I am today. I want someone who wants that for themselves, as well. Someone who understands that I can't make any promises of the future me because the future me is always shaking things up. The future me can't be predicted. The present me knows this and doesn't want to hear your excuses or dreams or promises of the future. That stuff isn't real. Don't talk to me about what you are going to do, just DO it. Do it now, goddammit and don't give a shit what I think because it doesn't matter. Just be you. I coined 2017 my year of "shut up and DO." What I can tell you right now is that I will do what I want with my life. I won't tiptoe around wondering whether someone else approves. I won't allow myself to be unhappy in relationship, not for long, anyways. I'll be honest with you and say so. Life is too short, I know this now and I am busy. I did not walk away from a relatively good life to settle into my next one. If we fit together, then excellent. But if not, then it's ok, it's not meant to be. I would hope someone would appreciate the honesty and integrity in my saying so. What I can do is be what I am today knowing tomorrow will offer something new.

My final thoughts on the matter.....I guess I just get tired of meeting the same people over and over wearing different faces. Meeting men with the same issues. If you really want to date a mindful single mother you have to do your inner work, your soul work. Because we love ourselves. We love being alone. A lot. Which means you have to be better than that. And I suppose this blog is two-fold because I just want to add that I get tired of people thinking they know me because of one label I wear, that of, single mother or artist or yogi or whatever. Trust me, you don't know me. We are not all the same. Frankly, it's kind of my thing to not be pigeon-holed and I'm sticking with it. I guess that's all for now. 

Much love and Namaste, 

Steph

Reiki: What Is It And How Does It Benefit Me?

What is Reiki and how does it benefit me?  Simply put, Reiki is a hands on (or slightly above) healing modality. Reiki is a Japanese word that when broken down means "universal life energy." All things are made of energy and a Reiki treatment is a simple and subtle way of working with that energy and getting the energetic body to move. The Reiki practitioner simply acts as a guide, leading the recipient into a deeply relaxed state which allows the life energy (or Ki or Chi or Qi or Prana or Spirit) to flow, which is why it is of benefit. Flowing energy is healthy energy.

What are the benefits of Reiki?  

1.  Reiki will immediately put you in a supremely relaxed state and reduce stress.  Now of course, this benefit right here is why Reiki lends itself as a good companion and compliment to all other medical treatments and why the things listed below are possible. Self-healing and other medical treatments can only be effective if the body is in a deeply relaxed and receptive state.

2.  Reiki can help move energetic blocks that are preventing wellness. If you understand that all things are energy, you can begin to wrap your mind around energetic blocks. All things are a manifestation of our thoughts (which are energy) and when you are unconscious to your thinking, you can find yourself ill for unexplained reasons. You have created blocks unknowingly. Reiki subtly dissolves these blocks, meanwhile awakening consciousness and connecting the mind, body, and spirit, which then allows one to begin healing.

3. Reiki aids in better sleep. If nothing else, you'll sleep like a baby and everyone knows good sleep is crucial to well-being.

4. Reiki supports immune function and increases well-being. Again, this is because you are relaxed which allows your immune system (and all your systems) to flow and work at peak levels.

5. Improves focus by emptying the mind of chatter.  A Reiki session feels similar to a meditative state. Busy minds benefit from Reiki because it allows you to experience deep peace and quiet which can then lead to better productivity and focus.

6. Reiki helps reduce anxiety and worry.  Many people experience a comforting sense of safety and security when receiving Reiki, a sense that all is going to be ok which allows one to "let go." This is a wonderful benefit for people who struggle with anxiety, worry, and just plain over-thinking.   

7. Reiki improves creativity.  I can attest to this one, personally.  I know that for me, when my mind is free of thought and worry, that is when the ideas for my creative projects come flowing in. When my creative life is flourishing, I am much happier, therefore, I feel better.  It is all connected. :)

8. Reiki helps reduce pain. Again, this has to do with the relaxation and quieting of the mind. Reiki focuses your mind on peace and wellness and off of pain.

9. Reiki is cleansing. Again, understanding that everything is energy, everything we put into our bodies or that our bodies come into contact with, (including people, food, air, etc.) is also energy.  Some of these things are toxic and create blocks. Reiki helps to keep energy flowing and toxins moving.

10.  Reiki aids in spiritual growth. Many people experience a greater connection to Spirit or God when receiving Reiki.  I can attest to this, personally, as well.  My spiritual connection has increased greatly with the addition of Reiki in my life.  My theory on this is that again, Reiki assists the body in relaxing on such deep levels that the mind is quiet, which allows the channels to open up to Spirit.

What ailments can Reiki treat? It's important to be careful when answering this question. Reiki is subtle and works on an energetic level.  Many people have a hard time with such things because it isn't necessarily tangible and that is ok. For those people, I will answer this way. Reiki is extremely relaxing.  When you understand that healing can not occur when the body is in a constant state of high stress, you can see the benefits of a treatment like Reiki. Reiki energy goes where it is needed, it goes to the true source of an ailment and works there. I will never promise miracles with a Reiki session, but I think those that are open-minded to whole body wellness and healing can make the connections on how this works. It is also important to note that one does not need to be ill to seek a Reiki treatment. Reiki is great for those wishing to add more self-care into their routing. It is great as a treat or pick-me-up when energy is low. 

What is a session like? Reiki sessions are fairly simple.  A client comes in and has an initial 5-10 minute discussion with me, explaining their reason for the visit. I then ask the client to stand so that I can smudge their aura with burning sage. What does this do? "Smudging" or burning dried herbs (typically sage) is an ancient practice used for cleansing and clearing negative energies. After smudging, the client lies on a massage table fully dressed, while I place my hands on or slightly above the client, usually working from the head to the feet. There are specific hand placements in Reiki, however, many practitioners such as myself, use a combination of traditional hand placements and intuition. I typically have soft music playing, lights dimmed, and various essential oils diffusing to add another element of relaxation. As the practitioner, during the entire session I am focusing intently on a client's wellness (rather than their illness) as I move my hands around the body. This positive and loving focus move the blocks by attracting more positive energy to the client. That's it, really. When it's over, the client takes a few minutes to ground themselves and bring their awareness back into the room and then they go on with their day. 

I am always happy to discuss Reiki with potential clients. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you are curious about receiving a Reiki treatment as I will always keep your concerns confidential.

My sessions are $50+tax/one hour session. I do take clients in my home currently and I travel to you, if that is preferred, however, there is an additional $5 fee for long distances.

I hope to work with you soon, Namaste,

Stephanie <3

To The Single People.....Also Me

I know a lot of single people right now. These are interesting, smart, beautiful, nice, funny, real, not-super psychotic people, in their so-called prime, too. Single by choice. Single and not settling. Choosing sometimes sucky singlehood over unmagical coupledom. I'm lucky to know these people because they inspire me to stick to what I want and remind me that I am not crazy for believing in something special. This post is for them....... and also me. I count myself in that group.

95% of the time I am fine and dandy being single. I really am. Ok, but for real's sake, i was coupled for 13+ years so we'll say more like 91% of the time I'm fine and dandy. This kind of aloneness is new, sometimes pretty stark, but I do enjoy my time alone, mostly. I want to meet someone I click with, absolutely, but I make the most of my time alone because 1. I know it will not be forever, though there are days it feels like that. And 2. I actually love my "me" stuff when it's just me. I'm fun. Also, 3. I know that at this point, I'd rather be alone than with someone I do not vibe with. I am older now and to me, time is too precious. There is nothing worse than spending my time on nonsense-y, immature, or uninteresting people.

Every once in awhile, though, I am triggered by something in life and I start to feel this rejection, just a general feeling of rejection from the universe, as if something is wrong with me. Like, maybe I am just too strange and no one will ever match my strangeness.

On these days, every damn body is falling in love, I swear to you. I think, 'ok Universe that person has someone and I don't? Now you're just being an asshole, Universe." It hardly seems fair. That sounds judgey and I'm sorry.  I am a sensitive human, what can I say? Everyone deserves love, I believe that. I want to be happy for these falling-in-love people. I know I should be happy for them. And you know, I am happy for them, actually. But in truth, I feel both happiness and jealousy at the same time. It's ugly, but it's true. 

That's why I'm writing this today because I feel like I need a little pep talk. And I know enough about energy to know that when I need a pep talk, someone else in my world does too. My confident, peaceful self knows that, in fact, the Universe IS fair and loving and always brings us face to face with exactly what we need to grow and evolve. Sometimes that's another person and sometimes it's alone time. Sometimes it's tumultuous and sometimes it's harmonious, but it's always what we need to become the human we came here to be. I always trust in at least that. We may not like it or get it at the time, but it always makes sense in the end.

Every relationship I have ever had has shown up magically and in perfect timing, and was just right for me during that time of my life, so I do trust that it will happen again....and fingers crossed, before I am 120 and nothing but a raisin lying on my deathbed (I'm not going to live forever, Universe.) I also know that every time in my life that I have been single, I have taken leaps and bounds in the direction of my passions, dreams, and interests, my other non-romantic relationships, and my self knowledge, etc. These things are majorly important to me and I feel necessary to fulfill my believed life purpose. This time around there is the added bonus of knowing myself as a single mother, which by the way, is hard at times, absolutely, but also so awesome in a lot of ways. Awesome because I am absolutely in love with my kids and now, I am happy and free to love and nurture them the way they deserve, as a much happier, lighter person than I was when I was married. I feel more like the mother I envisioned myself to be as a young person, pre-children, instead of pretending to be that. I feel it and i know they feel it too. This is basically huge.

Some days it's hard to recognize things falling into place, but they are. Most days, something good happens in the direction of my dreams. I am reaffirmed that I am on my path, which eventually, does include love. I have to trust that love will come because the other stuff on my list is coming. I have to remember why I chose this path for myself and for some of you reading this, why this path chose you. We are meant for something else, something different, something super spectacular.

And I guess that's where I'm going with this. We have to get through the tough times. Do the work we need to do, evolve the way we obviously are supposed to be evolving, and be ready for something more, something great. Be ready for the things we have asked the universe for, in whatever package they come in. In the meantime, if you need a friend to talk you off the ledge of loneliness, call me. Or text and we'll make a coffee date because I hate talking on the phone.

Just don't give up. For God's sake don't settle for someone that is not up to your super spectacular and too-interesting-for-this-planet standards. Don't be a jerk either and not give people a chance, because you just never know, but just love yourself enough to put you first. You are amazing and you worth it.

I'm with you and sending much love your way <3

Stephanie

Why I Reference The Chakras And Yoga So Much

Much of my work is very yoga and chakra inspired, as you may have noticed.  But why?  Well, here’s a semi-brief explanation. I have been very sick in my life.  Shortly after my first baby was born, I was experiencing some severe stomach pain, like someone punching me in the tummy, leaving their fist there for an hour, needing to throw up desperately, but instead just getting the sweats and chills and basically, being incapacitated for an hour or so. I thought I was dying. Plus, I had some inexplicable ear problems (I could hear things but they were LOUD), stress, depression, anxiety.  I was always sick, always sad, always stressed, you name it.  I had all the ailments. And I took all the pills because that’s what the doctors told me to do. It didn’t sit right with me to do this, but what did I know? Here I was 28 years young, and my doctors were telling me that, with regard to a couple of my ailments, they weren’t even sure what was wrong with me.  But whatever, right? Here, take this pill indefinitely. "Indefinitely?" I asked. Yes, indefinitely. In my heart, I was like, ‘so wait, I was born this human, and yet I require pills to feel even remotely like myself? That super sucks.’  And guess what, this realization made me feel even shittier about myself, like I was born broken. 

But around this time I had begun practicing yoga more regularly. I really liked it.  It felt like it was reaching parts of me I had forgotten about, but at this time I did not know much about it. I was just doing it. Also, around this time (as one doctor’s last resort to figure out some of my ailments) I had taken a food and airborne allergy test.  When I got the results from my test I was in shock.  I literally had 3 pages full of things that were inflaming my insides, some more serious than others.  I asked, “wait, what does this mean?”  They told me it means I need to stop eating and being around these things. And I was like, 'but this is everything?'  And with no guidance or support, I set about changing my entire diet and environment.  It sucked a lot and I failed a lot but, I did start to get healthier.  I couldn’t even believe it, actually.  I asked my psychiatrist at the time (supposedly one of the top psychiatrists in the metro,) “could my allergies be causing any of my other mental/emotional symptoms?”  Little did she know, I had begun researching on my own and found that YES, they can!  Food can absolutely cause symptoms, mainly inflammation. Inflammation is HUGE. Everything wrong with you goes back to your body reacting to something being inflamed. But she shrugged me off quickly, “oh no, absolutely not.”  Well, I that turned me off big time.  So I got up out of there that day and never went back.  I threw out all of my pills and have not needed them ever since. 

This is when I began reading more about holistic health.  I learned way too much about the government, the pharmaceutical companies, agricultural companies, USDA, FDA, and MONEY.  I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist, and it pisses me off that anyone who lives or thinks outside the box gets categorized as a conspiracy theorist, but whatever.  I don’t care anymore.  What I can tell you is that these people are not looking out for your health.  In fact, they are profiting big time from you not being well.  That really pisses me off and it should piss you off too.

I believe most doctors’ intentions are good. I really do. I’m not anti-doctor or anti-medicine.   What I am against is fixing the symptom and not the problem.  And this is where my love of yoga and chakras come in.  I immersed myself into the idea that I am a whole being and that ailments are part of my whole being.  I understood that my symptoms were rooted in something deeper.  So I started doing the work and digging deep.  I worked really hard. I made some really freaking tough changes.  I’ve had some big ups and downs, but over time I have built up my immune system.  And I can tell you with a straight-face that I don’t get super sick anymore.  I’m not afraid to proclaim that either.  Because it’s not that I don’t start to get sick. I do.  I am human and I overdo things every day!  But now, I’ll feel something coming on and I’ll tune in. I’ll understand that this is my body talking to me and telling me I am out of balance in some way.  I’ll ask myself what I need and I give it to myself.  Do I need sleep? Do I need to express a creative idea? Do I need to cry?  Do I need less (or more) social interaction? Do I need a hug?  Do I need to stop being around a certain person who is toxic to me? (Yikes) Do I need to cut out coffee and/or alcohol for bit? (not that I'm a heavy drinker of either but still...) Do I need a vegetable?  Or water? Do I need fresh air and sunlight? Do I need a cookie? (That's right, I said it. Sometimes you just need a cookie.) These things right here can heal most common things pretty quickly. Our bodies speak to us, but do we listen? 

I understand now that my energy is meant to be flowing and that neglecting myself is what causes me to be ill. I know a lot of mom’s and self-sacrificing martyr types will read that and cringe. But you know what, I understand now that to be a good mom and human, I have to validate my needs, too. I can’t give to my kids when I am depleted. I can't give lovingly to a partner when I am depleted. I want to teach my kids what healthy self-love is. I’ve been in a place of self-loathing; it hurts and it makes you sick. I don’t want my kids to ever feel that way. Kids learn by example and so that means I have to show them what it means to take care of me, too. I’m not a perfect example, but I work on it.  I know that I am showing them that it is from a healthy place of loving oneself, that we can really truly begin to give to others and make our world look the way we want it too. 

When you look into yoga, it is based upon the balanced flow of prana (aka lifeforce energy or chi) through the chakras (which I won’t go into here.)  Yoga literally means “union.”  It is a union of the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of our lives.  It is all connected. When you understand that everything is connected within you and approach health in a more holistic way, you begin to see where your ailments come from. It can be surprising and terrifying! But it is all connected. It is connected even beyond our bodies and minds farther up into the whole of the universe.  I'm talking Karma, here. And personally, I'm ready to jump off the wheel of karma and start something new, so I'm doing the work.

This is why I reference the chakras and yoga so much in my work.  Because I have tried everything, all the pills, all the drugs, all the therapists, and finally found something that actually works.  And I’m pumped about it! I'm coming from a place of experience.  I like to keep my focus positive, absolutely, most people know this about me. But I feel it's important to share this about myself so that people understand where I come from. I share this aspect of myself because I absolutely feel resistance from others when I talk about this kind of thing, especially from those who didn't know me before. Even some people who DID know me before don't know that I was ever unhappy or unwell because I was very good at covering it up!  I think I appear pretty happy-go-lucky. And so I get it.  I get why people resist. I see the eyes glaze over, I hear the quick subject change or sly comment that someone like me couldn't possibly know what it's like.  But I do.  Resistance comes from fear.  This is very hard work and hard work is scary. Sometimes our brain is not open to it or tells us we can't do it when we are down. It's absolutely easier to just take the pill, and you know what? That's ok, too.  I always say honor what you feel. Take care of you and sometimes that means taking the pill. The most important thing is to honor what you feel, just make sure you know what it is. When you are ready for change, life always lets you know.

10 years ago, my life looked very different. I was resisting change and my life let me know by making me sick all over the place. I was in a place where I believed myself hopeless and helpless to the whims of every germ that flew by.  Now I am almost 38 and in the best health of my life and I feel myself getting even healthier each year.  It’s weird, but it’s great.  I don’t believe getting older equals feeling shitty anymore. You've got to do the work, you have to dig deep, and you've got to stop being afraid of everything.  But it is worth it.  And it’s the Chakras that help me understand that I am a multi-layered being and require maintenance on many levels.  As a sensitive and empathetic human, I feel like it is my duty to share this information in the ways that I can, through art, through my yoga teaching, through my blog, and so on.  The advice I'll leave you with, if you'll have it, is this: investigate your food, (it's your building blocks after all,) investigate your medicines, investigate your medicines with your other medicines, question your doctors, be open to alternatives and TRUST YOURSELF.  You are worth that much.

Lotsa Namastes, everybody <3

Stephanie

Hey 2015, let's be done.

2015 has been a year of awakenings for me, some of them quite rude, and I have never been so happy to see a year go.  This is the year I went from being married to divorced, among other things, yes, but the divorce is kind of a big deal so that's what I'm talking about. Many big lessons came my way and while I’m not bitter or anything (ok maybe a tiny bit?) I am little wiped out so I just want to put this message out into the cosmos: “Ok I get it man. Let's have fun now?”  You learn some stuff through this process, let me tell ya. 

Divorce shows you how strong you are and how much stuff you can actually DO.  Sure, it shows you how strong you are not and how much you can’t do, but more importantly, what you can do.  And that's a lot.  Single life is hard, you guys. Real hard. You must understand, I was a stay-at-home mommy to two little babies, painting in between naps 5 years ago. I had no job.  No money of my own. No real serious work experience.  I’ve only ever wanted to be a mommy/wife/artist.  And even with art, I’ve only ever really liked making art as a hobby.  I have no background in it.  I have no close circle of artist friends.  I had no serious delusions of making money this way. I couldn’t imagine making a decent life on my own. But over the last couple of years,  I learned that my integrity is ridiculously strong.  I could not bring myself to stay in a marriage for the wrong reasons.  And you know what?  Somehow, life is coming together. I have boundless amounts of energy now.  It's insane, actually.  I credit it to the weight of guilt and unhappiness being lifted.  Because most things are getting done.  Bills are getting paid. My kids are healthy and happy.  I am healthy and happy-ish.  Yes, my heart has broken open over the last couple of years, but it is still beating. I’m still me.  I'm still making art and playing with my kids.  I’m ok.  I can announce to the world that I am both strong and weak.  I can mean it and be proud.

You also learn who among your 5000 million something Facebook friends can handle you during a divorce.  And sadly, who cannot. I chose my wording carefully there, because I know all of my friends love me and they know that I love them back.  I know a breakup like this is difficult for other people too and I do my best to understand. I try not to judge.  But this is a really tough one for me.  I’m a sensitive little bird with serious boundaries.  I'm not one for casual friendships.  I don't know how to do this.  Anyone who knows me knows it takes a LONG time for me to let you in.  So when I do let you in, you're really in and I’ll not only help to bury those bodies but I’ll make sure we do it with some flare. There are people I miss a lot some days. There are days when I tell myself I'm a fool for misreading the depth of our friendships. But I try to stay positive.  Divorce brings you to your knees and I’m glad to know the friends who have lifted me up this year are forever.  I’m beyond grateful.  It’s important that you know this. And as for the new friends I have made, well, you’re awesome! And that’s good because I am also pretty awesome and so moving forward, I predict many good times. 

You learn to stop judging yourself and others so much for how they handle hard times. The one thing I have allowed myself to do through this last year is mourn what I’ve lost. Because while they couldn’t outweigh the bad things, my ex-husband (still feels weird to say that) and I did have many good things together.  I cry my fucking eyes out for the good things some days, honestly. I scream at the sky. I write. I pray like a lunatic. I make art. I get drunk and curse.  I call my best friend and vent about all the shitty stuff. The loneliness is absolutely brutal some days, and it makes total sense to me why some people just immediately hook up with someone after a divorce and stick with them forever.  It’s scary as heck to be alone after so many years as a couple.  But who am I to judge?  Because I can’t deny that if the opportunity had arisen over the last year, that I wouldn’t have done it, myself. Divorce scares ya straight. 

But I do things differently because I am me. I sent strong intentions out into the universe after my divorce.  Moving forward and regarding the world of love relationships, I really want something different next time around, something creative and unusual, something magical. I'm not sure what I mean by this, but I'll know it when I see it.  You can laugh if you like, but I believe in it.  I'm here to have a magical love story. It's in my chemical makeup.  And since it's in my chemical makeup, I have to believe it's in someone else's too.  And so I trust that by some great design, there has been no rebound for me for a reason.  I have had no choice but to allow myself to feel this energy and funnily enough, I don’t seem to actually die even though I think I might sometimes. In fact, most of the time, it’s pretty ok.  And I’m thankful for this, I think. (Except on New Year’s Eve because then it does suck, can't lie ;) lol)

People and things fall away and that’s ok.  This is a lesson I have struggled to learn over and over since the beginning of my time here on this planet.  Clinging to anything only gives me anxiety. Relationships are meant to change. Things are meant to change, including me.  I am ever-changing.  Scarily so, at times.  But I’ve learned to really love this about myself.  I am unpredictable and brave and somewhat maniacal. I don’t fit any molds. I was born unusual and being unusual is about the only thing I have managed to stick to for any amount of time (37 years even, go me.)  I didn’t come here to do the same boring stuff I’ve already done.  I came here to keep being new and keep creating.  This can only lead to interesting things and I look forward to what surprises I have in store for myself in the future.  One thing is for sure, moving forward in relationships, especially romantic relationships, I know to look for someone who can accept how I change.  If this year and the breakup of my marriage has taught me anything, it is that I cannot predict what I will be like even a year from now and I think that’s really pretty cool.

With that said, I look forward to 2015 being behind me and I wish you all a Happy and NEW and interesting 2016.  

Stephanie <3

Open Wider: How To Really Change The World

Artists, poets, children, lovers and philosophers have been saying it since the beginning of time: Love is all there is. Peace starts WITHIN.

But we "creatives" are a subtle type. We don't care much about being "right" or "on top." We miss our own point when we go that way. We are the quiet observers, and so, no, we will never be in your face but the message is always the same. It is always there. When you look into the world and watch the news, you have a choice to let fear and outside influence make your decisions OR go within and let YOU/LOVE guide you.

I believe people are waking up to the ways of the world and wanting a meaningful change. But a meaningful change cannot be made using the old ways. It cannot be made by changing your FB profile picture for a few days until the next tragic news story hits. I'm not denying the pain people feel right now, not at all.  In fact, when I look at my social media and see all the French flags, I think it's a beautiful thing to know so many compassionate people. What I see is a lot of hope and potential!  

But Facebook is still kind of an imaginary land, you guys. And don't get me wrong, I love what social media can do.  As an introvert, I love that social media allows me to reach people I never would be able to reach with my artwork and blog.  But right now, I don't think it's the best way we can be channeling all this energy we have.  Yes, you feel this pain and it is very real. I would never deny this to anyone because I feel it in me, too. But let's take that pain and really examine it this time. What is it that hurts? Where in you do you hurt? I believe pain is always there to awaken us, no matter what kind of pain it is. It is all real.  It is ALL valid. Pain is the universe talking to us. Emotions are our ultimate compass.  Are we going to use this pain to grow or are going to let history repeat itself?  Because that's the thing about our world, we are damned to repeat until we do something different.

We are sensitive beings. We are born with empathy and so the pain we feel when tragedy strikes is incredibly real. Facing pain and turning in the direction of love during times like this takes bravery, but is all the more essential.  And it's time.  It's time to understand the pain we feel and use it to create something new. What is it you love? Share that with the world. The bravest thing you can do is be who you truly are, especially when the world expects something else out of you. 

To do that, though, one must go within. Turn everything off for a few minutes. Close your eyes, tune into your heart and you will see what you really are. You will see what you are capable of and here to do. Open your mind with silence. Open your heart with love.  And when you think you've got it, open just a little bit wider.

It's really that simple. 

Lots of Namaste,

Stephanie <3

"Open Wider" 9x12 acrylic on canvas Art by Stephanie Weiss

11/11 According To Me, Today

For those familiar with numerology, the 11/11 is an auspicious number, symbolizing a call to your higher purpose and new gateways opening up. (Actually, there are many meanings but for the sake of this blog....try Googling it) The challenge is recognize these gateways and to go through them, which because its unfamiliar, can be really scary. This may sound hokey or even nutty to some, but I have been followed by this number for years now. I literally see it everywhere I go and every single day. It shows up around certain people and certain circumstances and opportunities, all of which, have taught and continue to teach me so much. It used to drive me crazy trying to understand it, but I've learned to just take it for whatever it is that day, because its meaning is always different. However, it is never meaningless. And it happens too often for me to consider it coincidence (not that I believe in coincidence, anyway.) To me, when I see it, it's like time stops and a voice says 'observe this, right now' and it's up to me to figure out the meaning. All i can do is say 'ok' and listen.

The 11/11 energy of today combined with the energy of the Scorpio new moon (which also symbolizes new beginnings), I can't help but ponder those who have come before me and sacrificed so much for me to live such a free, and well, ponderous life! I'm beyond grateful and it brings tears to my eyes that there are human beings out there who put their lives on the line so selflessly. I feel this gratitude deeply, as some of these people, including my brother, are some of the closest people to my heart.

But I am also reminded today, on 11/11, that it is time for something new.  I am reminded that we all have a mission to serve here on this planet and each is of no less importance.  I think the message I get for today is to yes, of course, be grateful for our history. Be grateful but also, understand it. Own up to the past and the thinking that got us here.  Was it fear?  Or was it love?  Own our individual pasts but also our collective past. Be grateful for where we've been BUT for crying out loud, learn from it. Quit recycling it. Quit repeating it. Get off the wheel of Karma and do something new. No one is stuck or powerless, but you do have to do something different in order to get a different result.  This is just a fact.  Do you want a different result?  That's the question, really.  

I walked a new path with Diggle today at 11:11 as a symbol of my continued dedication to creating a better life for myself and my loved ones, but also to symbolize my dedication to the planet I love so much and will someday leave behind. For me, I cannot spend time in nature and feel separate from it.  I can't look at my puppy and believe he has any less of a right to live than I do.  I am working on this in my life, consciously making changes to live a more compassionate and aligned life.  I feel the pain of the planet and animals and I know the only way to feel less of it, is to cause less of it.  You can see this in my diet and how I treat people, in my art and in my words.  Yes, it is work.  Yes, it can be scary, but with practice it becomes less so.  Some days I 'mess up,' but instead of beating myself up, I am compassionate with myself.  That's the hardest thing of all.  The point is, though, slowly, things DO change.  Beauty and hope and peace are possible and everywhere.  People like me are here on this planet to keep hope alive and remind the ones we love, who lose sight of it, that good is possible.  And in everything.  And everyone.

The wind is really strong today and the air is funny, with a warm and out-of-place way about it. I always imagine the wind as talking to me.  I had planned to go on a new trail today, but I didn't know (or care) which one, I just wanted to be outside and be with Diggle on my day off. Turns out, the wind (and Diggle) had a plan for me and it blew my hair so hard I had to turn my whole body around to see again and there it was; a new pathway I had never noticed.  So I followed the trees and listened to the birds, and just like Snow White, I met lots of interesting and friendly characters along the way and it was good.  In the end, as it turned out, the path was quite safe.....because here i am a little bit more new with something a little bit more new to say. What will you do new today?

Happy Wednesday :)

Stephanie

But Why The Dead Trees?

I have always had a fascination with the sky.  I’m one of those people that feel like the sky talks.  I’ve always looked at the sky and nature and believed there was a story being told there.  Whether it’s the way the clouds take shape and float across my field of vision at just this moment, the way wind picks my hair up and brushes it across my cheek, or the way the stars twinkle just when I tilt my head to look at them, it's a story to me and it never gets boring.  I pay attention and try to understand.  But I don’t get hung up on it because I know somewhere deep down, I already understand the story and putting it into words isn’t really necessary.  I never tire of it though, especially the stars and planets.

This week's lunar eclipse is significant because it also happens to be a Full Super Moon in the sign of Aries.  "Red Moon, Rise" painting by Stephanie Weiss (also me)  For Sale 

Artistically,  I never tire of the cosmos.  It is an aesthetic that feels like home to me, even more so than my actual home, which is funny.  I can’t not paint the stars now.  It has become a sort of signature and my only real skill-type goal as an artist is to paint better stars and skies.

Lately, I’ve been asked a lot about some of my more recent paintings, especially my trees against the night sky.  “These are very beautiful, but why the dead trees?” people ask.  Well, I like this aesthetic, actually.  But um...they’re not dead.  They’re dormant.  I see them as unrealized potential.  I see them as sleeping or maybe they’re meditating.  They’re definitely listening and observing.  They’re lots of things, but they are not dead. Not to me. Personally, I believe them to be communing with the heavens.  I believe them to be receiving messages and quietly passing them on to us.  They are most definitely teaching us, but in a super subtle way. They are setting a quiet example and softly asking us to listen.

"Solitude" painting by Stephanie Weiss (me again) SOLD

In my own subtle kind of way, I guess what I am saying that we are the trees.  We are the students and we are the teachers.  We’re not dead, but a lot of us are dormant.  We’re unrealized potential.  There are a lot of similarities between the trees I paint and the unrealized potential of our individual and collective human experience.  Imagine the world we’d live in if we just followed the example of these tree teachers and took the time to sit quietly under the sky each day.  Anyone who does this will undoubtedly believe a better world is possible.

But it starts with turning off the noise. What noise, you ask?  Well, I’m going to say the noise is most major media and news outlets. This stuff is garbage and it you step away, even for a time, you can go back and look at how awful, fake, purposefully divisive, and dumbed-down it all is. We are being brainwashed by this nonsense.  So yeah, all that fits into that, turn that shit off. It starts there. It starts by turning that off and turning on nature. That's what I know.  Sitting quietly and listening to the messages that come.  It might take practice, but the messages will come.  What kinds of messages, you ask? That’s not for me to say. But what I can say is that I get messages all the time and in various forms. (I’ll go into this another time, but numbers are a big one for me, I see crazy number patterns EVERY where, which I believe are signs of the universe encouraging me.) What I do know is that when I follow these messages, good things happen in my life and the world around me.  I can’t explain these things but I’m learning that I don’t need to.  We live in a world where what we focus on and put our energy into becomes reality. This is what magic is, friends, and it’s completely up to us.  We already know the world we live in now is hurting.  Our focus has been on what separates us and we are making creating more of that.  We can put our energy into pointing this out and sharing all the scary things in the world with everyone we know, simultaneously bringing the energy of the planet down with fear, OR we can start sharing the best of ourselves and start bringing the energy up with love. Don’t care about the planet?  You don’t need to!  Just care about yourself and the rest happens on its own.  It’s really that easy. It’s not sometimes, actually..… But, yes. Yes, it is.  I believe it’s possible and I’m trying to be more conscious of it. That's all I'm getting at, really.  Be more conscious.  Nobody’s perfect and that’s OK, but we can try.  I think it’s worth trying.  Good grief our lives and the lives of our children are worth trying for, yes? 

That’s all I’ve got for today, everybody.  Peace out and billions of Namastes to you :)

"Red Tree" painting by Stephanie Weiss (hi, it's me) SOLD

My First Reiki Experience And Other Musings Of The Day...

For my first experience with Reiki, I went in pretty innocent.  I’d never heard of it, actually, but I received a gift certificate for a massage for my birthday back in 2013.  When I called to make the appointment, the masseuse told me I had options.  I could get a regular massage, I could get a Reiki massage, or I could get a full Reiki session.  I didn’t know what Reiki meant so I asked her and she said that it was a form of energy healing using the placement of hands on (or above) the body to clear energetic blockages.  Now, to me, this didn’t sound so wacky.  Energy healing has been around since humans have been around.  It is a natural, human impulse to place our hands on or touch people or animals that are hurting in some way as a way of comforting them.  Reiki is simply an extension of that. However, at the time, I really didn’t have any physical issues to work through, but I was experiencing some stress and confusion regarding my life direction.  She said Reiki would be great for that and so I decided to give it a try.

When I arrived to my appointment, we spent a few minutes chatting about what I’d hoped to get out of this session.  I told her I really didn’t know since I’d never done this before.  My main goal was to relax and pamper myself a little.  After a small chat she told me that she would work to balance out my chakras, which would leave me feeling relaxed and good, at the very least.      

To begin, she had me stand while she smudged my auric field with burning sage.  For those who don’t know what that means, smudging is an ancient technique used to cleanse and purify stagnant energy by burning herbs.  After that, she had me lie on the massage table, fully clothed.  There was gentle music playing and a soft candle burning.  The room smelled of oranges and vanilla, which I love.  She showed me her chakra stones and asked if it was ok if she placed them on specific parts of my body correlating to my chakras.  I said, ‘Umm, sure.  Why not?’

I admit, I did feel a little cuckoo here. I had always loved crystals, but I guess I’d never openly shared my love for them, so this somehow felt awkward and natural, at the same time. Crystals are a very interesting subject to me and I think it could be a blog subject of its very own in the future. But I’ve always found them to be very beautiful and I know when I hold one, intuitively, I feel as though I am with a friend. Crystals are believed to vibrate to at various frequencies and when we place them on our body or hold them, we come into alignment with that particular frequency.  So each of the stones she placed on me, theoretically, correlated to a vibration that along with her Reiki energy, would balance a particular chakra.

She told me just to relax and close my eyes.  Her voice was very soft and soothing.  She proceeded to place the stones in their various locations. The purple stone was placed above my head on the table, the indigo stone was placed between my eyebrows, the light blue stone was placed on my throat, the green stone placed on my heart, the yellow stone sat on my abdomen, the orange stone was placed just below my navel and the red stone was placed on the table, just beneath my legs.  .

At this point, my eyes were closed and even with my eyes closed, I could sense her moving her hands over my body.  I felt the heat as she waved her hand up and down about 6 inches from me.  She didn’t talk much, but when she did, she gently whispered.  She told me she was going to place her hands beneath my head.  I’m a sucker for having my head touched, especially my hair, so immediately I relaxed. 

And so we just stayed this way for about 7 or 8 minutes, me breathing, her touching my head, until she gently set my head down and moved to the space above my eyes.  I admit, I had moments of thinking “dangit, I should have gotten the massage’ because in truth, this Reiki was extremely subtle.  But after 15 minutes or so I realized I wasn’t going to tell her I thought it was kind of lame so I may as well embrace it.  After that, I relaxed really deeply, actually, and at some point I realized I was having a dream but that I was also awake and alert, aware of where I was and what I was doing.  I was in two places, if that makes sense.  In my dream I was off in this wide-open hilly farmland with my daughter who, in the dream, was my little sister.  We were young and we were in another time.  We wore prairie skirts and our hair was long.  The sky was yellow and there was a tornado coming but she was too terrified to move.  The storm was coming fast and we took shelter in a small hole in the ground.  I remember holding her close to me and telling her she was safe with me.  At the same time I remember feeling my Reiki practitioner’s hands gently touching my abdomen.  I could feel a tingling sensation rising in my abdomen, like my insides were made of soda pop.  I could feel heat radiating from her hands.

Before I knew it, an hour had passed and it was over.  She was gently calling to me to bring my awareness back to the room, back to my body.  And slowly, I did.  She told me to sit up when I was ready and readjust to my surroundings.  As I lay there, I realized suddenly how ridiculously relaxed I was.  Time had slipped completely away from me and as I thought about it, it became the funniest realization ever.  I sat up slowly, looked at the clock in disbelief and just started to laugh uncontrollably.  I laughed for a good 7 to 10 minutes, tears coming to my eyes, me apologizing to her because I simply could not stop.  It occurred to me at one point during my laugh attack that I was high.  I was as high as a kite and I could not believe it, which made me laugh even more.  I asked her what this was and she said that sometimes this happens.  She told me that laughter was a release of the energy she had just stirred in me and I was letting it go.  Her advice was to just go with it.  Similarly, when you smoke marijuana or have a glass or two of wine, it feels good to you because you are letting go of what you grasp so tightly to. I let go, for sure.  She had me move to the couch in the room and sit up straight.  She told me she wanted to ground me a little before I drove, because in a way, I actually was ‘high’ on energy.  Using sweeping motions to the ground, she brushed the area around me sending my energy downward, anchoring me back to the earth. 

I settled down a little and felt a more stable.  But stable in a way that I had never understood ‘stable’ to mean before. The feelings I had at this moment can only be described as the purest of pure and most loving feelings I’d ever experienced outside the births of my children.  I look back at this moment and I now believe this to be the greatest moment of “awakening” in my life.  I was too present then to understand what was happening to me.  Everything felt vibrant.  Everything felt loving.  I thanked her and hugged her like a long lost friend.  When I left her space I went to my car and just looked around me for a few moments.  Friends, the best way I can describe the way I felt was ‘in love.’  I felt love shooting toward me and from me in every direction.  I looked around me and could literally see the fabric of the earth and sky and everything it was made of.  Everything glistened.  Everything had color.  It sounds ridiculous, but I saw colors and patterns surrounding me like stars and rainbows.  I felt hands wrap around me like a fuzzy warm blanket.  I’m crying now even as I recall this moment.

I felt like this!  "Rainbow Bubble"  painting by Stephanie Weiss (that's me :))  

It was truly one of the most beautiful moments of my life.  I’ve never shared this whole story with anyone.  But it was so lovely and so heavenly that I knew at that moment, my life would never be the same.  It would never be the same because I knew, in that moment, who I really was and that I had not been living as my authentic self.  In that moment, I was completely reassured that my life had a purpose and that ALL life has a purpose.  I understood the complicated little inter-minglings of every tiny thing that had ever happened to me.  In that moment, I understood what I was made of and what I was here to do.  I understood who 'I' really was.

The rest of the day was pretty normal for me, grocery shopping, chores around the house, etc. But as I carried on that day, I saw flickers of color on everything and I felt like my insides were smiling. I always listen to the radio or to music, but that day I didn’t need to because everything was music.  

This sounds so cheesy, but the funny thing was, this turned into one of the best days of my life.  People said 'hi there, how ya doin?' or 'beautiful day, isn't it?' to me everywhere I went.  Everything I was looking for at the store would suddenly appear before me. I had an older gentleman stop me as I left the grocery store and say “I’ll buy anything you’re selling because, young lady, you are lovely.” It was an awesome day.

Like yoga, Reiki is non-dogmatic, meaning it is spiritual but not religious.  And honestly, I can’t say everyone’s experience with Reiki will be like this.  In fact, I’ve had many Reiki treatments since then and they have not been quite as profound as my first time.  Sometimes, I just take a nap.  However, the treatments are always relaxing.  Subtle, yet powerful, nonetheless.  I always feel better and more in tune with myself.  

In May of 2014 I was inspired to learn how to share this energy with others.  I took a course from a local Reiki Master and became attuned to it at levels 1 and 2. At this level, I am qualified to share this energy with clients.  One of the first things I learned about Reiki is that it goes where it is needed.  I believe my first Reiki treatment was so powerful because I needed it to be.  It was another in a series of jolts I needed to wake up to my life and begin making much needed changes, to start living more authentically.

Yoga and Reiki are both based around the chakra system (which I have talked about in a previous post, so please check that out.)  Whether you believe in or understand the chakras or not doesn't matter. You can’t argue that everything is energy.  Everything has its own energy, or vibration.  Some are sensitive to it, some are not and it’s ok, but it’s still there.  Actually, I believe we are all sensitive to it but not everyone was encouraged to trust those feelings from an early age.  My parents were pretty laid back when it came to these things.  I was never forced to believe things or not believe things, which I am grateful for so much.  So I’ve remained sensitive to energy.  I touch things and I know I don’t like the energy of it. Or I do. I eat something and it tastes funny, I know it’s probably not good for me. I talk with some people and I know I like their vibe.  Or I don’t. Or their vibe freaks me out but I still like them.  You just know.  This is the energy.  It’s so simple that we miss it sometimes.

I have nothing against Western medicine. Obviously, it has a very valid place.  But I think we can all look around and see that this world is out of balance. There is more to us as humans than science can explain at this time....and I love science so please don't think I'm anti-science. But I also believe there is more to wellness than a pill can fix.  For me, it is important to stay open to alternative methods of healing.  As I move through life, I understand well-being to be a matter of balance on not just the physical, tangible level, but also on mental, emotional, and spiritual levels, as well.  

As I study things like yoga, Reiki, nutrition, and the laws of attraction and reflection, I am learning that it is my mental level that affects my emotional level, which affects my energetic level, which then affects and creates my physical reality.  Our thoughts create things, basically.  When you think something enough, it really does become your life.  Problems arise, however, when negative thoughts become subconscious.  They become our habits.  

Right now, I believe the world is subconscious, stuck in a pattern of negativity, and desperately in need of a wake up call. This is why things like yoga, meditation, massage and Reiki are becoming more popular.  Intuitively we know we need something different, we need another way of doing things.  Yoga, meditation, and Reiki help relax you and bring you inward, making you aware of your subconscious thoughts and allowing you the separation needed to make necessary physical changes.  Have you ever met a relaxed person wanting to do harm?  Probably not.  Do you think our world leaders are relaxed people?  Most definitely not and look at what they create.  We need something different, we want something different, and yet we keep electing the same kinds of people in charge because they physically represent our subconscious. To change the outer world, we can't just complain about it and post things to Facebook.  That does nothing.  To make real change we must start from the inside and wake up to who we truly are.  And while relaxation may sound simplistic, it is only in a relaxed state that we can be fully awake and in tune with ourselves.  It is only in a relaxed state that we can be open to receiving any kind of change or healing treatment.

All my life I’ve had this feeling that I was here to help the world do something.  What, exactly?  I have not known, but it’s becoming clearer.  I know I am an artist and I know I am here to share what I understand about the universe through art.  I ask for inspiration and poof, suddenly, there it is.  To me, that is a sign.  But next to “artist” in my head has always been the word “healer.” This word has rattled in my brain since before I even knew what it meant. I’ve always been deeply empathetic, conscious of the emotions of others, and had a super strong urge to help. This urge to help used to overwhelm me and get me into trouble by overextending myself, but through my own inward journey, I have discovered ways of balancing this.  I believe sharing Reiki, yoga, and my artwork are my little ways of helping to heal a hurting world.  

This all sounds very New Age-y and I know that’s a major turn-off for some people.  I totally get that.  Some people even think it’s creepy.  If that's you, you might ask yourself why that is and I'd only ask you to keep an open mind and try feel within you whether any of this resonates.  

There are many ways Reiki can be used, in fact, that's a whole other blog, but to me, the most important way to use Reiki is to reduce stress.  When stress levels are low, this is when the body can welcome, rather than fight, all other healing modalities.  I do offer Reiki treatments and I’m always happy to answer questions.  Please feel free to contact me with your questions anytime.  That’s really all I’ve got for today. 

Thanks for reading!  Peace out and Namaste!

Stephanie :)

I want someone to hug me.

As some of you may know, I am going through a divorce.  And if you didn’t know, well, now you do.  And please, no lectures on trying counseling, no ‘all couples have their rough patches,’ and no various other techniques that have worked for you in your 50 year marriages.  I don’t need this today.  Not that it's your business but my husband and I have literally tried it all and at 100%, I promise you this.  Neither of us wanted to be here, but still we ended up here.  Sometimes people just can’t fit together and it’s a really, really hard fact to face.  Just know that this is what’s right for us now.  And as for what has worked for you, well I am glad for that and we’ll leave it there.

I’m not sure what I want to say in this blog yet, to be hones.  I’m just having a hard day and felt compelled to write about it.  Anyone that has been through this process knows that it is one of the deepest, most painful human experiences.  There is SO MUCH emotion all the time.  No matter what, you are hurting someone else or you are hurting yourself. Or both.  I can't even list all the feelings.  When I go to work each day I say to everyone "look, I am UN-predictable right now, just know this.  My apologies in advance."  Because it is, you're crazy, borderline anyways.  

And I think the hardest part for me in this process is the indescribable loneliness.  It’s pretty excruciating, actually.  I can’t even express the amount of “alien” I feel right now.  This is not a totally foreign feeling for me.  I have felt like a weirdo for my entire life and have developed my happy little ways of embracing it.  Without my "weird" I could not make art. But this is a new kind of loneliness, a new depth to loneliness.  It’s truly indescribable and scary and well, I have days that are unbearable and this seems to be one of them.  And yes, I have friends and family that love me and who are supporting me to the best of their ability, and I'm beyond grateful for them.  But I can't bring myself to call my loved ones and say the same things again and again and again and besides, no one can take this feeling away anyway.  This just IS what it is. And at the end of the day, I’m still just me.  I have to deal with the sucktitude of it on my own. I’m still in this ridiculous amount of pain, pain that, on days like today, I truly wonder if it will ever go away.  I begin to question my sanity on days like this, like maybe I’m wrong about everything ever? And this makes it even harder.

This is the kind of day that really sucks too.  My kids are with their dad.  I have nothing to do….nothing that I want to do, anyways.  I feel restless.  I feel needy and there’s no one around.  Everyone’s at work or out enjoying (what I perceive to be) their happy, normal lives.  None of my usual pick-me-ups are working.  Normally I turn to art, yoga, music or my best friend in these times.  These are my go-to pick-me-ups, but today everything lacks luster, even my favorites.  Everything I try to do just reminds me of where I am NOT right now.

One of the weird hard parts about divorce is that you don’t’ hate your ex.  At least, I don’t.  How can I?  Some days I wish I did.  I want something to hate right now.  I feel like hate would be a step up from where I am. I think it might make it easier to heal from this.  But truthfully, he’s actually a really great guy and I wish for his happiness as much as my own.  He’s also a really great dad and we are seemingly doing all the right things.  There is no drama, no fighting, just peaceful, mutual resolution and dissolution.  The kids are always our main focus and honestly, to our surprise and much to our relief, they are quite happy, for the most part.  We are even in family counseling and our counselor has told us she just doesn’t really need to see us that much because we seem to be doing everything right.  We don’t have anything to talk about there.  

You might be wondering why are we divorcing if things are so great?  And I get this question all the time.  Forgive me for not answering that here.  Our business is our own and I won't be sharing the details this way.  What I can say is that things aren't always what they seem and it would do everyone some good to know this.  Just because you have two good and decent people doesn't make it a good match.

But even though things are going relatively smoothly for us through this process, there IS still much healing to do.   There is still a LOT of pain involved in the separating of our lives.  We were together a long time, we built a lot together.  Old patterns are really hard to break.  Plus, I really do want to love again and I really want to do it right next time.  I’m a deep believer in love and I want to correct the negative patterns I have in relationships.  I don’t want to go through THIS ever again. My heart couldn't take it and I know that means time alone for now…..time to be Stephanie, time to understand myself better and why I do the things I do.  To me, this means unearthing some potentially ugly things about myself and learning how to love them.   

It seems like today is one of those days...  Today I am feeling pretty ugly inside and I'm doing my best to deal with it.  And it used to be on a day like this when I am feeling lost and unlovable, like the world is completely against me, my husband would hug me.  I'm a very sensitive person and on a day like this, for me, a hug is like crack.  It seems to be the only thing that works.  As a married person or happily coupled person, you can get a hug.  

But I get no hugs today.  I have to learn to soothe myself today....to be present with myself now and honor the awful way I feel.  It's scary but I know it's the only way for today.  So what do I do?  What else can I do?  I pray.  I write.  I pray some more and I write some more. Some people might think that’s cheesy or pointless, but honestly when you are in this mindset, you pray because you can't not. You NEED to.  You pray and you write or you go nuts.  It’s all you can do.  So I pray a lot. I pray and hope that God hears me.  I ask for signs and I try my best to receive them.  I meditate and try to listen, but honestly, I don't really have much luck in this mental state.  And so I just keep praying and keep writing and keep going. And keep hoping.  And eventually things DO turn around and I find that I have faced another day.  This blog is maybe slightly depressing.  I don’t mean it to be.  I’m just trying to keep it real and connect from where I’m at.  I feel it is just as important to honor the crappy days as it is to celebrate the happy days.  Because this is just life, it is what it is.  Some days are awful but I don't want to miss any of it.  If you know me, you know that deep down I am a ridiculous and annoying optimist.  I know things work out for the best, that we are on the right track,  everything happens for a reason and all the good things, blah blah blah.  That’s my innermost me and I’m grateful for her because dammit, she's awesome!!  But that’s not me right now.  What I am right now is a sad sack and what I need is a hug.

And I think that’s what this is all about, really.  The point I’m trying to make is this:  I miss hugs. I miss hugs really bad.  I need someone to hug me today and it's not happening and that really super sucks. The end.

The Chakras: What Are They?

You know, sometimes I forget that the things that come naturally to me may seem super “out there” to other people.  One of those things is my familiarity with energy and more specifically, the chakras. I don’t always know how to describe this really.   I've always been sensitive to energy and no one ever discouraged me to be otherwise.  And I’ve always just felt it. I can actually feel my insides, my organs functioning, my blood circulating, the oxygen in my breath being absorbed, etc. On top of that, I can feel energy moving through me and I can feel when and where within me that it becomes stuck. I can feel it in other people and I can feel it in living and non-living things too.  Maybe it sounds simplistic, but the best way I can describe the way this energy feels is like “life” or “aliveness.” I’ve always felt this, but not always known what it was.  It wasn’t until my journey into yoga and Reiki began that I truly understood what I was feeling and could give it a name. 

In yoga we call it Prana or life force energy.  Many people refer to it as the soul or spirit, chi, qi,  or ki.  Yoga is about many things, but at its most basic level, it is about properly circulating Pranic energy.  It is believed that with proper flow of Prana, all life can be lead to its fullest.  Prana is not to be confused with air or oxygen; it is not breath.  Prana, as I understand it, is what air and breath bring to the body.  Prana is life.  When your heart beats, it is filled with Prana.  When it stops, it is because Prana is gone.   It’s really a beautiful thing if you ask me. 

Ok so, Prana is an energy and like all energy, it is always moving.  It actually needs to flow.  So how does it flow?  Well, this is where the Chakras come in.  And this is where it gets tricky because the chakras are not a physical thing.  They cannot be measured like our heartbeat or our stomach digesting and so a lot of people get really turned off by this and that’s ok.  I think within all of us there a deep resonance with the idea of spirit or soul, but I know some of us are extremely logical and just really battle with the idea of not having tangible proof.  Believe it or not I have a logical side and I totally get it. 

So the Chakras….  Btw, there are thousands of BOOKS written on the Chakras, this is a very deep subject to dive into, so for the sake of this tiny blog, I am going to highlight the major stuff. 

It’s easy for me to think of my body as a map of a bustling city.  On the map there are highways, back roads, major stops and minor stops.  The roads are the nadis.  Nadis are the paths that the energy takes within our bodies.  The word “nadi” can be loosely translated into “conduit” or “flow”.  There are 3 major nadis and there are thousands of minor ones.  The three major nadis, Ida, Pingala and Sushumna are the main highways of the city, and where they intersect, you have the major stops.  The major stops are the Chakras. 

So what is a chakra?  Again, this is something that I have a hard time finding the words for, because it is something I just feel.  Chakra can be literally translated to mean “wheel” or “vortex.” Within your body or city, the nadis or major roads intersect at certain points and these intersections are the chakras. The chakras are swirling or spinning vortices through which Prana is sifted and pushed through.  The chakras each have different vibrational frequencies and each one represents a different aspect of our consciousness.  Chakras can be balanced; you’ll know they are balanced because you feel good, confident and peaceful within yourself and your physical world reflects that.  But the chakras can be closed or blocked, too.  They can be out of balance and you’ll know this because you don’t feel as good.  Your life is not what you want it to be; you may feel restless and dissatisfied, or you may even have physical symptoms such as illness showing up in your life.  This is a tricky thing to say and again, for the sake of trying to keep this blog short, I won’t go into “creating your reality.”  That’s a whole other realm of things to talk about and I know it can be a touchy subject for some, but personally, I do believe when our energy is out of whack, it begins to manifest physically. 

So let's break down the 7 major chakras.  It is believed that there are many more but these 7 are the ones we deal with most in our life. 

At the base of our spine is Muladhara or Root Chakra.  This Chakra is associated with our most basic human needs for survival, i.e. food, shelter, safety and security.  It is associated with the element of earth and the color red.  When the root chakra is balanced, you feel secure in your life.  You are certain of your ability to take care of basic things like bills, groceries, etc.  When this chakra is out of balance, you will feel fearful, angry or stressed.  You may feel the need to dominate others.  Physical symptoms of an out of balance Root chakra are pain in the legs, and feet, intestinal and digestive issues, money issues, maybe even rage issues. 

Moving up the spine about two inches below the navel we have Svadisthana or our Sacral Chakra.  This chakra is our pleasure and emotion center in the body.  It is represented by the element of water and the color orange.  When this chakra is balanced you are able to enjoy life’s little pleasures.  Food tastes better, songs sound prettier, art is more beautiful, and sex is more desirable and feels better.  When this chakra is out of whack, you may feel lackluster or even depressed, let down, unlovable, unattractive, lonely, etc.  Physical symptoms of an unbalanced sacral chakra are reproductive issues, lower back pain, lack of desire for sex. 

Next up we have Manipura or our Solar Plexus Chakra.  This chakra is located in the center of our body or abdomen.  This is truly where you begin to feel a sense of who You actually are.  This is your center for confidence, your sense of freedom and ease.  It is represented by the element of fire and the color yellow.  When this chakra is balanced you will feel confident in yourself, brave enough to take risks you know are good for you, and feel comfortable in with your power.  When this chakra is out of balance you may feel afraid of challenging yourself or lack confidence in your abilities.  Physical symptoms of an out of balance solar plexus chakra are liver issues, gall bladder issues, even vision problems.

Up the spine, correlating with our lungs and rib cage we have Anahata or Heart Chakra.  This chakra is our love center. It is represented by the element of air and the color green.  When this chakra is balanced you feel a sense of pure love for yourself and those around you.  Your relationships are healthy and compassionate.  If this chakra is out of balance you will know because the idea of unconditional love for someone you know you care about feels impossible, love feels hard to do, for yourself and others.  Physical symptoms of the heart chakra unbalanced are breathing and lung issues or an inability to receive physical touch.

Moving up the spine and into the neck we have Vishuddha or Throat Chakra.  This chakra is our center for creativity, listening and expression; verbal expression but also physical expression such as dance or yoga.  It is represented by the element of “ether” and the color sky blue.  When this chakra is open and balanced, you are confident in your ability to communicate and express the highest vision you have for your life.  When this chakra is not balanced, you may fear putting yourself out there, unable to make decisions or be unable to express your desires.  You may have trouble communicating with others or listening to others.  Physical symptoms of an unbalanced throat chakra are a sore throat, sore mouth and teeth, earaches, and/or sore neck and shoulders.

Upward to the center of our forehead is Ajna, our Third Eye Chakra.  This is our center for discernment.  Many people think of this as our psychic center but it really is so much more than that.  To be truly psychic, one must use both intuition AND intellect.  This chakra, when balanced, is exactly that; a strong inner knowing about what is the right course of action for your life.  When balanced, this chakra gives us the ability to make decisions rooted in fact but also by trusting the intuitive “gut” feelings we get.  When this chakra is not balanced, you’ll know because you tend to escape into daydreaming or you may feel spacey, airheaded and out of sync with reality.  This chakra is supposedly beyond the physical earthly elements and so it is said to be represented by “mind” and the color indigo.  Physical symptoms of this unbalanced crown chakra would be headaches, poor sleep or nightmares, etc.

And finally, at the crown of our head is Sahasrara or Crown Chakra.  This is our connection to the Divine or spiritual center.  This chakra is also beyond earthly elements and is represented by “cosmic energy” and the color violet, gold or white.  When this chakra is balanced you will feel a sense of Universal Oneness or enlightenment.  You have a sense of trust and faith in the universe or God working for you instead of against you.  When this chakra is not balanced you begin to feel apathy, lack of spirituality, or that you have lost your purpose and understanding for your life.  Physical symptoms of an unbalanced crown chakra are learning disabilities and nerve issues, as this chakra governs the nervous system.

So WHY am I writing about the chakras today?  I was inspired to write this blog because I feel having an understanding of our energy body helps us understand our physical and mental bodies.  I believe and understanding of where and how our energy flows helps us to see our lives more accurately and gives us insight on how to correct any perceived glitches that may be occurring .  

This blog also leads to my next blog on Reiki. And what is Reiki?  Well, that’s my next blog post…but to sum up, it is a hands on energy healing treatment that dissolves energetic blockages within the chakras but also, it is extremely relaxing and brings you into a deep meditative state.  Reiki is subtle but can be quite profound, as I know from firsthand experience.  I will share more about that in my next blog. But I believe that Reiki, combined with yogic movement and breath wor,k can provide a boost for anyone feeling stuck in a pattern of unhealthy habits, physical and/or mental habits, and leave a person feeling relaxed. Because it is only when we are relaxed that we are open to receive wellness.  

Namaste <3

Stephanie

Be Like The Tree: Change and Intention

It’s super cold and I’m sitting inside a coffeehouse today watching the trees lose the last of their leaves.  I love the way bare trees look and right now, as is reflected in my recent artwork, I am very inspired by this aesthetic.  Winter trees are super symbolic to me.  Just bare, no fancy stuff, even the little skinny ones standing firm, strong and calm, preparing to face the drastic Kansas winter. 

I’m at the coffee shop to plan my yoga lesson for tomorrow.  I typically do this planning at home but I felt like I needed to get out.  I don’t really know what I was thinking, though, because I’m a weirdo and I can’t actually work in this atmosphere and I know it.  I can only people watch and eavesdrop on the conversations happening around me.  I zone in on the conversation to the right of me and it’s a girl breaking up with her boyfriend.  The people behind me are discussing the pros and cons of a new and drastic haircut.  Interesting stuff.

My favorite yoga classes to attend are the ones where the teacher magically hones in on my needs. It’s the most wonderful feeling when you walk in and suddenly, she/he knows exactly what you are going through and what you need to do to work it out.   My goal as a teacher is to be able to do this with my own classes and I’m learning that to do this, I only need to understand that the people that come to my classes are always a reflection of me and vice versa.  I’ve begun centering my lessons on whatever is relevant in my life knowing that what I am experiencing is connected in some way to those who will attend my class.

So I’m sitting here, I look at the bare trees outside and the little snowflakes beginning to fall, I watch the people come and go, I try to make some sense of the completely random playlist, I smell the various smells...soup, coffee, muffins, coffee.  I’m not accomplishing anything, but it’s cool. I open my book randomly and the words “we can’t change the world, only ourselves” pop out at me. I’m a believer in signs and this one seems pretty obvious, so I say “ok. Change, it is.” I'm definitely experiencing my share of change, currently.

More specifically, though, for this blog post I want to discuss what motivates us to change and the importance of adding meditation into your life.  As my yoga practice progresses, I am learning that my motivation or intention for change is everything.  If you’ll look closely, you’ll see that you absolutely get the changes you ask for in life, but if you are not aligned with the truest desires of your heart, the changes you seek are meaningless.  This is why in my yoga classes, meditation time is a heavy focus, because this is the aspect of yoga that has been the most beneficial for me and what I feel is most beneficial for others.  Many people come to yoga seeking change and I feel that the best way for me to help people with this is by teaching them how to meditate.  So we spend a good part of the time with our eyes closed, simply observing the breath.

Here’s a little story to help me make my point and perhaps you can see the parallels in your life.  Ok so as a kid, I moved a lot.  Every school year we started in a new place.  It was rough at times, I won’t lie.  I can be very shy, but I look back and I feel like for the most part, I kept a good attitude about it.  Surprise, (not surprise) I have always been nerdy, awkward, quiet… quiet and yet somehow full of super weird things to say.  It’s true, so I had trouble making friends.  I pride myself on my nerdy weirdness now, but I can’t pretend that fitting in wasn’t an issue for me then (or now, haha.)   I was picked on in about every school that I attended and yes, I absolutely hated it. But oddly enough, this is why my attitude towards moving was decent.  When a school year ended, I got away from the mean people!  And though I dreaded the move, leaving my family and the few friends I did have, I can’t pretend I didn’t delight in the possibilities of what could come from a new school.  Each year went by and at the start of each school year I made a little plan on how I was going to start fresh this time, stop wearing my mom’s/stepmom’s/big sister’s clothes, act super cool, quit saying weird stuff and maybe actually brush my hair once a week or so and perhaps this year, maybe, just maybe, the popular kids will think I’m one of them?  Maybe?  Actually, my senior year, yes…..kind of…..not quite, it doesn’t feel that way…but yes, I did somehow manage to become prom queen my senior year.  I can’t explain this.  Actually, I can but that's later.  In the moment, I was horrified because I actually thought it was a practical joke on me.  I thought they were all going to laugh at me and that at any moment, the pigs’ blood would drop from the ceiling, ruin my homemade dress, and I’d have to burn the place down with my telekinesis.  But it didn’t happen like that.  I was just the prom queen and mostly, everyone was nice.  But the real question is, did this satisfy me? No, it did not.  Like I said, I didn’t believe it and thought it was a joke being played on me….inside I still felt the same insecurity because I was so used to being picked on.

When I got some distance from the situation, I realized I had gotten exactly what I asked for.  However, it didn’t feel right because my intention was not clear.  What I was seeking was more like the opposite of what I didn’t want….which is so not the same thing as what I do want.  Had I known about meditation at the time maybe I would have been able to see that what I was really wishing for was acceptance within myself, not others.

But I was a kid.  I’ll tell you, though, when I look back on this, I realize I was lucky to have this experience because even though this didn’t feel like I wanted it to, I did begin to understand an essential lesson in life.  And that is, that you become what you think about.  This is the most important life lesson a person can learn, in my opinion.  However, focusing your intention is the key.  My dominant thoughts were clearly social acceptance mixed with insecurity.  So that’s exactly what I got.  I was simply emulating behavior that I thought would make me happy because I thought it made other people happy.

And this is the problem for me and for lots of people when it comes to making changes that are fulfilling.  It’s because we are completely out of touch with ourselves and with that, our actual desires.  We are bombarded by media and advertising telling us what we need and want to be happy.  We are forever comparing ourselves to each other and wanting what That Guy over there has because he looks happy and so we just kind of do what he does.  However, That Guy, he doesn’t actually know what makes him happy either because he’s just doing what the guy before him did and so on.  But he looks happy and he has all the stuff so we just do what That Guy does and we get all the stuff That Guy has and then we wonder, ‘why isn’t this working for me??’  But it’s because we are forgetting completely that we are not even That Guy! We are THIS Guy and how can we possibly make any satisfying changes when the desire for change is not aligned with who we actually are?   

In yoga we talk a lot about aligning with our True Self, the part of you that is not your body or your thoughts.  You might call it your soul or spirit.  We talk a lot about accepting who we are and how our life is right now, being present in the moment.  As my yoga practice progresses and I learn to quiet my mind through meditation, these ideas are sinking in further each time.  I am learning that it is only from this quiet space that I can understand what I actually am and what my deepest desires even are.  Only from here can I make any kind of change that will actually matter to me.  I can look at my life and know that I have achieved or attained, over and over, exactly everything I have ever really wished for.  And over and over, these things have left me feeling empty and unfulfilled.  But meditation gives me a clarity I have never experienced before.  From that clarity, I see that my desires have been coming from my own feelings of emptiness or insecurity and not from a feeling of self-love and acceptance.  From this clarity I’m slowly learning that unless my desire for change comes from my True Self, no “thing” that I think I want will ever satisfy me.    

“Be the change you wish to see.”  We see this quote all the time and we share it all over the place in our social media because deep down we resonate with this statement.  From our hearts, we know this to be true!  However, so many of us don’t truly understand how to do it.  We keep trying to do what we think is right, but a feeling of powerlessness or emptiness persists.  The solution, in my opinion, is to change your perspective and it is also my opinion that you can only do this through meditation or quieting of the mind.  It takes practice!  But here’s the really beautiful part. When you shift your perspective and launch your desires from your heart, magical changes DO start to happen all around you.  And the best part is that the feeling of fear or anxiety disappears and you are left with a calm strength, an inner knowing that what you wish for is on its way.  You know that everything will be ok because everything already IS ok within you.  You are connected to your source.

You know, I was going to wrap this up with a graceful and poetic reference back to the winter trees and how they are able to remain strong and calm during the constant change of their lives by staying firm in their roots and because they are connected to their source they just know what to do…there is a very clear metaphor here…..but I’m bad at ending.  I'm more of a painter than a writer.  Perhaps I’ll meditate on it….?  Be like the tree, everybody.  Namaste :)

Yoga's Weird: Why Your Yoga Friends Are So Excited!! And Possibly Very Annoying To You

I wanted to discuss something that’s happening in my life right now.  Basically, I’m becoming super annoying to my friends and family.  It’s true.  I know it’s happening and I can’t even help myself.  All I can do anymore is suggest yoga or reference yoga.  I can actually FEEL myself being annoying because my response to EVERY thing is “well, you should try yoga!” Got back problems? Try yoga!  Getting sick all the time?  Try yoga!  Can't sleep?  Try yoga!  Feeling stressed?  Try yoga!   I feel like I have to preface everything I say with “I swear, I have not joined a cult, but……..”  But it’s because I really believe in it.  A regular yoga practice has brought to my life so many amazing experiences, a lot of healing, and not just physical healing, though I AM in the best shape of my life, but emotional and spiritual healing, as well.   I am amazed by how I feel and this is because I honestly did not know it was possible for me to feel this way in my life without medication, drugs, or alcohol, etc. For the first time ever I feel totally comfortable with myself.  Ironically, my life is crazy up in the air at the moment, but somehow, I feel real peace. I can describe it no other way and if you know me at all, you know that for me to feel real peace is quite an amazing feat.  Yoga's weird.

You would be amazed at who your yoga teachers are and where they come from.  Most of the devoted yogis and teachers I know, myself included, are the most unlikely people to be doing this sort of thing, and yet, here we are, extremely passionate about sharing yoga because we have found so much more than just exercise.  The artist in me finds it very beautiful, actually, because so many of my yoga teacher friends have come from a place of pain and are using yoga to not only heal, but create something positive out of that pain and share it with everyone they know.  It's an art, at least, that's how I see it.  Many of us had become frustrated with life at some point; frustrated with poor health or pain, a lack of self-esteem (that’s a big one,) an inability to connect deeply in relationships, an inability to control anger, sadness and anxiety etc., a lack of purpose, passion or direction in life, and/or an overall dissatisfaction with life. Each of us has wondered, “is this all there is to me?”  Something about yoga drew us in and here we are, using these tools we learn to heal our lives.  And side note: yoga often gets confused for religion.  It is not religion and I will go into that in a future post. 

I’m not suggesting yoga will cure everything for everyone. I’m specifically trained NOT to suggest this and I never, ever would.  I can only tell you how yoga has helped me and what I witness in my yoga friends and students.

People have many opinions and misconceptions surrounding yoga. I never really paid attention to this before my teacher training, but it’s true.  When I start to talk yoga now, people say things like “oh, I already stretch” or “I’m not flexible enough” or “I need something more intense, yoga’s too mellow” or “yoga is TOO intense, I need something less strenuous” or “yoga isn’t for weight loss, I want to lose weight” or “yoga’s bad because I hurt myself trying to do it once,” and the list goes on and on.  My reply to all of these things is “oh my gosh, please come try yoga with ME.” 

My yoga teacher training was a beautiful and eye-opening experience. I’ll be 100 % honest, though, I was not certain I was capable of teaching when I entered the program.  My self-esteem has always been less than stellar and I kept thinking “I am not sure I’m flexible enough and I know I’m sure as heck not calm enough.” But at that point, yoga HAD improved those things (and more) enough in me to know that there was something more to it.  I knew the more I practiced the better I felt and it became increasingly important to me to learn how to share it.  So I enrolled and thank goodness. 

We were trained to teach in a non-dogmatic style.  What does it mean to be non-dogmatic?  It means a lot of things, but what it means to me as a teacher is making yoga right for every single individual that walks through the door.  For example, when I take YOU into a warrior pose, I want you to put your foot in exactly the right spot for your body so that YOU can get the benefits of the pose.  Every pose has multiple benefits and getting those benefits is what really matters.  Your warrior will most likely not LOOK exactly like the guy next to you, but big FYI, you are not that guy. 

And in my opinion, this takes us to the heart of what yoga actually is, and that’s self-acceptance or self-love. Something that continues to amaze me as a teacher is how quick people are to insult themselves. Immediately, when I talk yoga people say something mean about themselves like, "I'm too fat, I'm too old, I'm too hyper, I'm not this or I'm not that."  Yoga is not a competition, everyone.  It’s not elitist, trendy or some hippie dippy thing.  If you have experienced yoga in a way that makes you feel superior OR inferior in some way, I’m sorry for that. If this has been your experience with yoga, this tells me that you have not found your teacher and you have not experienced the true beauty and heart of yoga. 

From a physiological standpoint, yoga has many benefits, including stress reduction, weight loss, improved immunity, sleep, digestion, circulation, flexibility, increased bone and muscle strength, and the list goes on. These are all amazing benefits and very well worth it.  But in my experience, the above benefits only skim the surface of what yoga is all about.

Yoga teaches us to “surf our edges.”  What does it mean to surf our edges?  It means LISTENING to yourself and doing what is right for you in a posture so you can get the most out of the pose at any given moment.  If something hurts or feels bad that day, don’t do that. It's really that simple.  If something lacks challenge, increase the complexity of it.  There ya go.  This is what I am here for! I will show you how modify the pose to make it less or more challenging, but I cannot tell you what your body needs right now.  Only you know that.

And this is where it gets good because you really must think of the yoga asanas or physical postures as symbolic. Yes, we are moving our physical body which benefits us tremendously, but when you surf your edges or listen to your needs in a yoga pose, you are simultaneously tuning into your inner guidance.  When you can tune into your inner guidance, yoga changes your life. 

This is the real meat of yoga.  For those who say yoga is too mellow, ask yourself why that’s so bad?   For those who say it’s too intense, ask yourself the same thing.  For those who worry about inflexibility or weight loss, ask yourself why this concerns you so much.  For those who have tried yoga but injured yourself, did you tune out when your body said stop?  And if so, is it possible that you tune out your inner voice when it comes to other aspects of your life?  Do you push yourself too hard at your work or sports or parenting? Not enough? Do you keep eating when you are not hungry or eat things knowing how they harm you? On the flip side, do you refrain from eating or doing things that bring you pleasure? Do you drink or smoke when you are uncomfortable? Stay at a job you completely hate? Or stay in a relationship that you know is harmful to you?   

Start by asking yourself why you do this and when you get an answer, ask why again.  This will eventually take you to the root of it all.   Yoga is extremely therapeutic and I hope to go into more detail with that in future post.  But I will say, it’s pretty unbelievable how much our physical posture and breath is tied to our emotion and even more unbelievable how much you can release by stretching and positioning your body just so or simply breathing with intention.

Everybody is different and my passion as a teacher is to teach you how to tune in to your body, and along with that, your voice.  It is my opinion that when we tune into our inner guidance, the whole world changes for the better.  Practice long enough and you will see. This has always been my dream for my life, to make the world a better, more loving place! But I’ve never felt big enough. I’ve never understood how.  But by practicing yoga regularly and tuning into my voice, now I see.  I understand that I just need to be me and that’s it.  And you just need to be you.  Where it gets tricky is, what we are as humans is freaking scary sometimes!  But yoga teaches us how to face the scary stuff and find a way to make peace with it because there is no getting rid of the scary stuff.  And this is a huge, giant, amazing thing.

This will not happen overnight. I don’t know, maybe it will for some, or it may never happen at all and I really can’t promise specifics.  In my experience it has taken years of practicing, back and forth at times, but little by little it clicks.  Right now, what I can tell you is that it is very worth it to feel this way.  I’m so excited to not only find my passion for yoga but also be in a place where I can share it with anyone willing to give it a try.  If my enthusiasm annoys you, I really can’t apologize for it!  But I would suggest you maybe ask yourself why that is, eh?  Yoga's super weird, it's true.  It's hard to really articulate what happens because everyone will have a different experience.  But I'm very excited to share mine!  I truly love it and I hope you will join me sometime.  Namaste, everyone.  And I really mean it! :)