2015 has been a year of awakenings for me, some of them quite rude, and I have never been so happy to see a year go. This is the year I went from being married to divorced, among other things, yes, but the divorce is kind of a big deal so that's what I'm talking about. Many big lessons came my way and while I’m not bitter or anything (ok maybe a tiny bit?) I am little wiped out so I just want to put this message out into the cosmos: “Ok I get it man. Let's have fun now?” You learn some stuff through this process, let me tell ya.
Divorce shows you how strong you are and how much stuff you can actually DO. Sure, it shows you how strong you are not and how much you can’t do, but more importantly, what you can do. And that's a lot. Single life is hard, you guys. Real hard. You must understand, I was a stay-at-home mommy to two little babies, painting in between naps 5 years ago. I had no job. No money of my own. No real serious work experience. I’ve only ever wanted to be a mommy/wife/artist. And even with art, I’ve only ever really liked making art as a hobby. I have no background in it. I have no close circle of artist friends. I had no serious delusions of making money this way. I couldn’t imagine making a decent life on my own. But over the last couple of years, I learned that my integrity is ridiculously strong. I could not bring myself to stay in a marriage for the wrong reasons. And you know what? Somehow, life is coming together. I have boundless amounts of energy now. It's insane, actually. I credit it to the weight of guilt and unhappiness being lifted. Because most things are getting done. Bills are getting paid. My kids are healthy and happy. I am healthy and happy-ish. Yes, my heart has broken open over the last couple of years, but it is still beating. I’m still me. I'm still making art and playing with my kids. I’m ok. I can announce to the world that I am both strong and weak. I can mean it and be proud.
You also learn who among your 5000 million something Facebook friends can handle you during a divorce. And sadly, who cannot. I chose my wording carefully there, because I know all of my friends love me and they know that I love them back. I know a breakup like this is difficult for other people too and I do my best to understand. I try not to judge. But this is a really tough one for me. I’m a sensitive little bird with serious boundaries. I'm not one for casual friendships. I don't know how to do this. Anyone who knows me knows it takes a LONG time for me to let you in. So when I do let you in, you're really in and I’ll not only help to bury those bodies but I’ll make sure we do it with some flare. There are people I miss a lot some days. There are days when I tell myself I'm a fool for misreading the depth of our friendships. But I try to stay positive. Divorce brings you to your knees and I’m glad to know the friends who have lifted me up this year are forever. I’m beyond grateful. It’s important that you know this. And as for the new friends I have made, well, you’re awesome! And that’s good because I am also pretty awesome and so moving forward, I predict many good times.
You learn to stop judging yourself and others so much for how they handle hard times. The one thing I have allowed myself to do through this last year is mourn what I’ve lost. Because while they couldn’t outweigh the bad things, my ex-husband (still feels weird to say that) and I did have many good things together. I cry my fucking eyes out for the good things some days, honestly. I scream at the sky. I write. I pray like a lunatic. I make art. I get drunk and curse. I call my best friend and vent about all the shitty stuff. The loneliness is absolutely brutal some days, and it makes total sense to me why some people just immediately hook up with someone after a divorce and stick with them forever. It’s scary as heck to be alone after so many years as a couple. But who am I to judge? Because I can’t deny that if the opportunity had arisen over the last year, that I wouldn’t have done it, myself. Divorce scares ya straight.
But I do things differently because I am me. I sent strong intentions out into the universe after my divorce. Moving forward and regarding the world of love relationships, I really want something different next time around, something creative and unusual, something magical. I'm not sure what I mean by this, but I'll know it when I see it. You can laugh if you like, but I believe in it. I'm here to have a magical love story. It's in my chemical makeup. And since it's in my chemical makeup, I have to believe it's in someone else's too. And so I trust that by some great design, there has been no rebound for me for a reason. I have had no choice but to allow myself to feel this energy and funnily enough, I don’t seem to actually die even though I think I might sometimes. In fact, most of the time, it’s pretty ok. And I’m thankful for this, I think. (Except on New Year’s Eve because then it does suck, can't lie ;) lol)
People and things fall away and that’s ok. This is a lesson I have struggled to learn over and over since the beginning of my time here on this planet. Clinging to anything only gives me anxiety. Relationships are meant to change. Things are meant to change, including me. I am ever-changing. Scarily so, at times. But I’ve learned to really love this about myself. I am unpredictable and brave and somewhat maniacal. I don’t fit any molds. I was born unusual and being unusual is about the only thing I have managed to stick to for any amount of time (37 years even, go me.) I didn’t come here to do the same boring stuff I’ve already done. I came here to keep being new and keep creating. This can only lead to interesting things and I look forward to what surprises I have in store for myself in the future. One thing is for sure, moving forward in relationships, especially romantic relationships, I know to look for someone who can accept how I change. If this year and the breakup of my marriage has taught me anything, it is that I cannot predict what I will be like even a year from now and I think that’s really pretty cool.
With that said, I look forward to 2015 being behind me and I wish you all a Happy and NEW and interesting 2016.
Stephanie <3