I don't know what it is.....maybe it's just me, maybe it's getting older, maybe it's the new-fangled, incredibly awkward way of meeting people these days, maybe it's being an introvert, maybe it's having been on my own so long now....maybe it's a combo of all the above plus a few other things, but dating is awful now. Just awful. My (very limited) experience dating as a single mom has been a bit frustrating, to say the very least. It's not that there aren't decent men available, there are. They're decent. I am fortunate to attract really cool people into my life. And though I am not actively searching any longer, when I do happen upon a date or relationship, it has always been with a kindhearted and well-intentioned person, most definitely.
But the thing is, I've had to put a pause on my love life. It's freaking me out. It seems to me like every single man my age-ish is ready to dive in. Marriage talk, like, right away. Not that I don't appreciate this. I absolutely do. I get it. It's scary out there and a catch is rare. But is this what men think single mothers want? Is this what single men want? I mean, it's good to know that I am lovable, because frankly, sometimes I feel like I might be too weird to be loved....but hello, that's another blog. And it's not that I don't want a relationship, either. I am human and of course I do. But my marriage and my subsequent divorce has taught me many, many things. Quite frankly, it has been a level of difficult, both physically and emotionally, that I never want to face again. This may sound pretty obvious to some, but you must understand that I am an optimist to a fault. When I set about my new single life, I looked at it thinking it would all just magically come together and there would be no hard times. I don't always grasp the harsh reality, you guys, or believe that harsh reality will grasp me. But alas, over the last 2 and a half years, the universe has toughened me up and proven to me that I am indeed protected, but not invincible.
My life is drastically different than it was 5 years ago. It's almost spooky to me to look at pictures or journals and think 'who is that person?' I see the suffering in my eyes, the fear, the sadness in my words. I remember the perpetual knot in my stomach and frog in my throat. I remember the constant attempt to hold back my tears. What I should mention here is that my ex-husband was always quite loving; a good man and father, then, now, and always. I will always be grateful for this relationship and what we attempted to build together. We did our best, but I, Stephanie, was lost completely within my marriage and deeply unhappy. Not because of him ever, but because of me. I wasn't being me. Fully. I tried so hard to be the good wife, the good mother, the good everything. I tried to make everyone so happy, to make everything so perfect. I thought that was what made me happy, to make everyone else happy. And it did. It did and it didn't....it's very confusing sometimes. But in fact, I think that's what surprises people who knew us as a married couple the most, that we could ever fail because we seemed so perfect. I tried hard to fit in and be happy there, I tried really hard to be content the way he always was. But I failed us. I failed him. That's what eats at me the most now. Although, I really don't like to believe things as having failed or succeeded. That's not how I think. It's all meant to be, in my opinion. One thing leads to another, divine order, etc. etc. But he was always content and it made feel really guilty to want something else.
But I did. I wanted other things. I never had me time in my life. I never lived on my own. Plus, I never finished college. This ate at me through our marriage......it eats at me to this day, actually. Because I struggle to find decent work and decent pay, (no offense to my wonderful and kind-hearted boss, wink wink, but I'm pretty sure she knows that my current work is not my dream nor am I very well-suited for it, anyways.) But I know this lack of college experience left a hole in me. It left me feeling like I don't have a "career" or that I could "make it" in the world without the support of my spouse or parents or roommates. This is very frustrating to me because I am extremely intelligent and once I learn something, I excel quite quickly. Not bragging, it's just what it is, friends. ;) But I suppose this brought up some resentment in me through my marriage that I've had to resolve.
The point is, in my life, I've never been on my own. But now I am. It's very scary at times but I have reached a point in it that I feel like I have created a new pathway for myself. Broken an unhealthy cycle, if that makes sense. Co-dependency. Because oddly enough, I rather like being alone, certain aspects anyways. I am much happier now and much more free in my spirit. I don't want to be alone forever, let me just put that out there, Universe! But I am in no rush to jump back into marriage or anything resembling it, anytime soon. At this point, I'm not sure I want that ever again really. And I suppose this is what I want to share here. And what I hope may help other single mothers or men that would like to date a single mother. We aren't trying to marry you.
Right now, my life is my kids. They're pretty much it. And I love it. They're growing so fast, it's insane, and frankly, I don't want to miss a second of it. When my kids are not with me, when they're at their dad's or I'm at work, it pains me deeply. I miss them like crazy nuts. Before my divorce I was a stay-at-home mom and my kids were my day and night. I feel an immense amount of guilt over my divorce when it comes to the kids, so much so that I even feel guilty at my rare attempts to heal that guilt...if that makes sense? This is not to say I regret my divorce...I do not. I know he and I are both much more peaceful inside and out now, on our own very different paths. But I admit, it's hard to feel like a good mother sometimes, even though I know I am a good mother. I'm ok with this, by the way, this guilt. At least for now. I don't need peptalks or anyone giving me their self-help "but you need a life too" type of thing. This is my life and I'll do what I do. One thing is for certain, and this I feel good about, is that my kids will not reach adulthood wondering if I care about them, wondering where I was when they were kids. My "time" will come, but it is not now and that's really ok by me. Right now I work, I spend time with my kids, and then I work some more, either at my job or towards my true passions of art and yoga. These things make me happy and that's enough for me.
I'm putting this here because I think there is a misconception that single mothers are all trying to find a new husband to take care of them. This is not the case for me. I had that. Frankly, my life was quite safe and comfortable before. Many single mothers I know have HAD that and left it for a reason. Because it just wasn't a good fit. Now don't get me wrong, single motherhood is some bullshit, at times. It's hard and God, some days I just want some help. But, I also know God sends me the help I need when I need it in the form of family and friends and especially my kids. I am able to recognize this and am so grateful for it. When the help comes, it is also a sign from God to me that I don't need to settle in love. I can have what I want and what I want will come. The love I seek is coming for me and in the meantime, I can just relax and be present where I am. Right now I am supposed to remember these hard moments and enjoy the good ones because I won't get them back.
That's not to say I don't want companionship. I absolutely do. I get lonely like everyone else. But my singlehood has taught me what I want and do not want. Any potential relationship just has to fit. I'm happy, dangit. Sure I'm open to someone, but I can't force it right now. I can't make it my number 1 right now. I can't make it be something it's not going to be right now. It just has to click and I'm not going to waste anyone's time lying and saying it does when it doesn't because I'm busy. That's the promise I can make. Many of the single mothers I know are much the same. They're single not because there are no options out there, but because they're busy. They're busy creating and being present in their lives. These are what I'll call your "mindful" single mothers. These are the ones who know themselves and their habits and cycles. They're self-aware and learning from their past, determined not to repeat the same mistakes because we know the pain and the impact is too great. And frankly, any potential partner that enters my life had better be much the same. I'm not looking to take care of anyone or heal anyone or be mommy to anyone.
Let me just say it's kind of nuts to me how many men are looking for someone to play substitute wife and mother. I mean, really. Sure we're all flawed and in pain somehow and just trying to find love. And yes, our flaws make us beautiful and unique and yes we deserve to be loved as we are, but come on. You have to take responsibility for your life and your own happiness. It's not fair to place that on someone else. I think I'm maybe a little extra sensitive to this because I know my energy is high and that attracts people who want to be high too. I am an empath and natural healer, as well, so I spot this stuff right away because I see it so frequently. I don't mean this harshly, I just get tired of it because I am human and I get sick of stuff. I get sick of being needed. The second I start to feel that need, I cringe inside and shut down, because to me, that's attachment, not love. Attachment is manipulative. Attachment wants you to be something you are not or do things you can't do and I just won't do that to myself anymore. Love is different. Love is freedom. Love is patient. Love is open and unafraid.
I guess I've just been alone so long now, I've learned to enjoy it. I want to find someone like that. Someone who can hang by himself and be cool with it. I know in my heart now that I don't NEED someone anymore nor do I want to be needed. I want to want someone and to be wanted, there's a difference. I am complex and I want someone who really wants to take the time to know me and not try to use me or change me or squeeze me into their box. The right someone just wants me, all aspects. The right someone for me is learning from his life. The right someone for me is passionate about his own life and knows what he wants. He is adaptable and does not wish to repeat his history. He is open to new things, a new way of being, he can change himself when he wants to. But most importantly, he who knows who he is and is responsible for his own happiness. That's what I can offer in return.
I want something different every day because I am growing and evolving each day. Mindful single mothers want someone like this back, someone who gets this. We make time for learning and creating. This is super important. We are open to new ideas and doing things differently. We thrive on new ideas, in fact. We are evolving and want to continue evolving. We create time for self care and self knowledge. We read. We study. We LISTEN. We empathize. We journal. We understand ourselves better now and our boundaries. We respect ourselves and said boundaries. We value every minute with our children. Add introvert into that mix and you have a very content single person in me.
Personally, I want to be a better version of myself tomorrow than I am today. I want someone who wants that for themselves, as well. Someone who understands that I can't make any promises of the future me because the future me is always shaking things up. The future me can't be predicted. The present me knows this and doesn't want to hear your excuses or dreams or promises of the future. That stuff isn't real. Don't talk to me about what you are going to do, just DO it. Do it now, goddammit and don't give a shit what I think because it doesn't matter. Just be you. I coined 2017 my year of "shut up and DO." What I can tell you right now is that I will do what I want with my life. I won't tiptoe around wondering whether someone else approves. I won't allow myself to be unhappy in relationship, not for long, anyways. I'll be honest with you and say so. Life is too short, I know this now and I am busy. I did not walk away from a relatively good life to settle into my next one. If we fit together, then excellent. But if not, then it's ok, it's not meant to be. I would hope someone would appreciate the honesty and integrity in my saying so. What I can do is be what I am today knowing tomorrow will offer something new.
My final thoughts on the matter.....I guess I just get tired of meeting the same people over and over wearing different faces. Meeting men with the same issues. If you really want to date a mindful single mother you have to do your inner work, your soul work. Because we love ourselves. We love being alone. A lot. Which means you have to be better than that. And I suppose this blog is two-fold because I just want to add that I get tired of people thinking they know me because of one label I wear, that of, single mother or artist or yogi or whatever. Trust me, you don't know me. We are not all the same. Frankly, it's kind of my thing to not be pigeon-holed and I'm sticking with it. I guess that's all for now.
Much love and Namaste,
Steph