I want someone to hug me.

As some of you may know, I am going through a divorce.  And if you didn’t know, well, now you do.  And please, no lectures on trying counseling, no ‘all couples have their rough patches,’ and no various other techniques that have worked for you in your 50 year marriages.  I don’t need this today.  Not that it's your business but my husband and I have literally tried it all and at 100%, I promise you this.  Neither of us wanted to be here, but still we ended up here.  Sometimes people just can’t fit together and it’s a really, really hard fact to face.  Just know that this is what’s right for us now.  And as for what has worked for you, well I am glad for that and we’ll leave it there.

I’m not sure what I want to say in this blog yet, to be hones.  I’m just having a hard day and felt compelled to write about it.  Anyone that has been through this process knows that it is one of the deepest, most painful human experiences.  There is SO MUCH emotion all the time.  No matter what, you are hurting someone else or you are hurting yourself. Or both.  I can't even list all the feelings.  When I go to work each day I say to everyone "look, I am UN-predictable right now, just know this.  My apologies in advance."  Because it is, you're crazy, borderline anyways.  

And I think the hardest part for me in this process is the indescribable loneliness.  It’s pretty excruciating, actually.  I can’t even express the amount of “alien” I feel right now.  This is not a totally foreign feeling for me.  I have felt like a weirdo for my entire life and have developed my happy little ways of embracing it.  Without my "weird" I could not make art. But this is a new kind of loneliness, a new depth to loneliness.  It’s truly indescribable and scary and well, I have days that are unbearable and this seems to be one of them.  And yes, I have friends and family that love me and who are supporting me to the best of their ability, and I'm beyond grateful for them.  But I can't bring myself to call my loved ones and say the same things again and again and again and besides, no one can take this feeling away anyway.  This just IS what it is. And at the end of the day, I’m still just me.  I have to deal with the sucktitude of it on my own. I’m still in this ridiculous amount of pain, pain that, on days like today, I truly wonder if it will ever go away.  I begin to question my sanity on days like this, like maybe I’m wrong about everything ever? And this makes it even harder.

This is the kind of day that really sucks too.  My kids are with their dad.  I have nothing to do….nothing that I want to do, anyways.  I feel restless.  I feel needy and there’s no one around.  Everyone’s at work or out enjoying (what I perceive to be) their happy, normal lives.  None of my usual pick-me-ups are working.  Normally I turn to art, yoga, music or my best friend in these times.  These are my go-to pick-me-ups, but today everything lacks luster, even my favorites.  Everything I try to do just reminds me of where I am NOT right now.

One of the weird hard parts about divorce is that you don’t’ hate your ex.  At least, I don’t.  How can I?  Some days I wish I did.  I want something to hate right now.  I feel like hate would be a step up from where I am. I think it might make it easier to heal from this.  But truthfully, he’s actually a really great guy and I wish for his happiness as much as my own.  He’s also a really great dad and we are seemingly doing all the right things.  There is no drama, no fighting, just peaceful, mutual resolution and dissolution.  The kids are always our main focus and honestly, to our surprise and much to our relief, they are quite happy, for the most part.  We are even in family counseling and our counselor has told us she just doesn’t really need to see us that much because we seem to be doing everything right.  We don’t have anything to talk about there.  

You might be wondering why are we divorcing if things are so great?  And I get this question all the time.  Forgive me for not answering that here.  Our business is our own and I won't be sharing the details this way.  What I can say is that things aren't always what they seem and it would do everyone some good to know this.  Just because you have two good and decent people doesn't make it a good match.

But even though things are going relatively smoothly for us through this process, there IS still much healing to do.   There is still a LOT of pain involved in the separating of our lives.  We were together a long time, we built a lot together.  Old patterns are really hard to break.  Plus, I really do want to love again and I really want to do it right next time.  I’m a deep believer in love and I want to correct the negative patterns I have in relationships.  I don’t want to go through THIS ever again. My heart couldn't take it and I know that means time alone for now…..time to be Stephanie, time to understand myself better and why I do the things I do.  To me, this means unearthing some potentially ugly things about myself and learning how to love them.   

It seems like today is one of those days...  Today I am feeling pretty ugly inside and I'm doing my best to deal with it.  And it used to be on a day like this when I am feeling lost and unlovable, like the world is completely against me, my husband would hug me.  I'm a very sensitive person and on a day like this, for me, a hug is like crack.  It seems to be the only thing that works.  As a married person or happily coupled person, you can get a hug.  

But I get no hugs today.  I have to learn to soothe myself today....to be present with myself now and honor the awful way I feel.  It's scary but I know it's the only way for today.  So what do I do?  What else can I do?  I pray.  I write.  I pray some more and I write some more. Some people might think that’s cheesy or pointless, but honestly when you are in this mindset, you pray because you can't not. You NEED to.  You pray and you write or you go nuts.  It’s all you can do.  So I pray a lot. I pray and hope that God hears me.  I ask for signs and I try my best to receive them.  I meditate and try to listen, but honestly, I don't really have much luck in this mental state.  And so I just keep praying and keep writing and keep going. And keep hoping.  And eventually things DO turn around and I find that I have faced another day.  This blog is maybe slightly depressing.  I don’t mean it to be.  I’m just trying to keep it real and connect from where I’m at.  I feel it is just as important to honor the crappy days as it is to celebrate the happy days.  Because this is just life, it is what it is.  Some days are awful but I don't want to miss any of it.  If you know me, you know that deep down I am a ridiculous and annoying optimist.  I know things work out for the best, that we are on the right track,  everything happens for a reason and all the good things, blah blah blah.  That’s my innermost me and I’m grateful for her because dammit, she's awesome!!  But that’s not me right now.  What I am right now is a sad sack and what I need is a hug.

And I think that’s what this is all about, really.  The point I’m trying to make is this:  I miss hugs. I miss hugs really bad.  I need someone to hug me today and it's not happening and that really super sucks. The end.