My heart chakra feels like a big deal right now, my friends. I had a moment today. Sometimes... the feelings are so intense that while I may appear normal, I am not fully functioning as a normal person, not until I have vomited these feelings up and out all over my journal. I can look at you, we can have a conversation, but there are days that I am not with you. I am deep inside my spirit, processing something I never seem to be able to name, and yet in my life, I seem constantly driven to try. Empath life hurts a lot. Empath life has extremely beautiful moments, too, and I know to some I will sound dramatic here, but I think the empaths, creatives, and highly sensitive humans reading this will understand. I don't say this as though anyone else's life doesn't hurt as much. I'm asking you to think about the people that come to your mind that maybe you would tell to 'toughen up a little' or 'quit being so dramatic.' Those people. You can recognize that they're different and you can't seem to normalize them. It's a thing.
For me, something has always stirred underneath and sometimes it just really hurts. It is an unnameable feeling, and at the same time there is a pull here and a compulsive urge to try. I'm not sure any of us ever can. This is why some of us sensitive or creative types turn to drugs or sex or codependency. The feeling is incessant. This is why many incredible artists die young, because nothing ever numbs it long enough. Sure, their pain is what makes their art poignant and relatable; this is how they touch your soul. This pain makes the joys of their lives so incredibly blissful, too, but to manage life with this unnameable feeling so deep inside all the time, yet having the other feelings and emotions always right at the surface, well, it's a task.
Before I carry on, I'll add here that you don't need to worry about me. I'm expressing one aspect of my life, of which there are many, including great happiness and joy. Life is a spectrum of feelings and it is one of my passions to dispel this myth that we must always be ok or that when we are feeling something other than happiness, we must shut it down immediately. I would like people to feel that we are always 'ok' in whatever we are feeling because we are people and not machines. Our feelings are our guidance and mine are guiding me towards something right now. So no, I'm not a danger to myself or anything. I take no drugs and I don't even drink anymore because in my heart, I believe God made me this way to move me towards my purpose, usually creative expression, by using my feelings. When I drink, I just don't accomplish much. In fact, when I drink, that is when I actually feel really low and what I would consider depressed.
I just wish I had a better grasp of what it is that is happening in my body right now, in my world; that maybe I could trace this feeling back to a memory, perhaps even another life, or that I could skip ahead 6 months and know what it is that is causing this new stir and that it's going to be ok. Because there are legit days when I do not know. Sometimes... writing it out is still not enough. Crying, journaling, talking, painting, purging in all the ways I know... nothing is enough, nothing eases or empties it out of me fully. Time helps, obviously, but I can't seem to speed that up. Nature helps, certainly, in fact lately, nature is my best medicine. Breath helps in a moment, but sometimes there are a hundred moments a minute.
I practice various forms of relaxation; yoga, mindfulness, meditation, etc. I believe wholeheartedly in these practices, too. I am deeply spiritual and connected to my higher source. What I know is that some things in life simply cannot be eased. Human life is complex and incredibly frail and can only really be minorly managed. During certain periods (most periods,) uncertainty is king and faith is all there is. I know anyone appearing to have life under control is either a great actor or in for a great surprise. I believe it is the Universe talking to us through the feelings our body feels, but we cannot always understand what they are saying. What is it my heart is trying to understand now?
From this window today, I saw a homeless man collapse on the street as I was journaling my heart away into the pages. It turns out, his medication had been stolen the night before, plus it's really super hot out and he was clearly extremely dehydrated. By the time I got to him, some good people had already called an ambulance, so I went back inside to get him a water. Before I could give it to him, the ambulance had arrived so I just kind of stood there unable to help him, yet unable to leave him. You see, my desire to help is bigger than me most of the time. That's an empath trait and it is hard to manage in circumstances such as these. This whole scene broke my heart open with both love and pain. I can't tell you how beautiful this man was in this moment, thin, sick, and lying on the hot cement. I felt love for him that I can't describe. A strange way to describe it maybe, but that's what I see. There was beauty in the concerned looks of the good people who called the ambulance and stayed with him til it got there. In truth, i would have given this man all I had in this moment. Yet I knew in this moment, nothing I had to give would really matter to him at this point.
When I knew he was in the care of the medics, I went to my car. I sat their crying for this man, wondering if he would even live, and if he did live, would he just be back on the street again? I wondered how he'd gotten there and how close my life has come to being there many times. I cried because I wondered why he was there and I wasn't. And then I cried because even in feeling heartache for him I knew I was judging him and who am I to do that? I cried mostly for the vulnerability that is this human experience. I cried because i saw myself in him and in truth, his life is not what I am ready for. It seems the Universe is intent on teaching me lately that these painful moments in life are what make us able to recognize the beautiful moments as, well, beautiful.
We all live in this world of polarity and contradiction; i would say empaths live in a world of extreme polarity and contradiction. I don't know if I'm fortunate or if it tortures me to not understand what separates me from this man or anyone else, for that matter. Why was this happening to him and not me? Or you?
I'm a heavily Piscean and Neptunian human. For the non-astrology nerds, this means that boundaries do not exist on many levels for me. Separation is reeeally unnatural and detachment is just a completely foreign thing, though, I do attempt it to a certain degree. It's great energy for creative and healing work, but even that I cannot separate as something I do versus something I am. I use it to my advantage as best I can. My life is a piece of creative and healing work every day. That's how I see it. With my mind I can see that we are different people, but my heart cannot feel the separation of our spirits. I know we are the same in the cosmic scheme of things and that knowing stays at the surface for someone like me. I know this because I have seen it with my very awake eyes, the webbing that connects you to me and vice versa. I also KNOW life could flip in an instant. I live with this deep knowing in the corner of my mind every day because my life has flipped on me in an instant a million times. It's not fear, necessarily, because I count myself as pretty fearless. It's just the root of this "feeling" I have today that I'm calling a stir. I know how fortunate I am. Gratitude fills my heart to the point of exploding almost every single day. I'm not someone who is unable to recognize my gifts or recognize that it could all be gone in an instant. I think the stir comes from knowing there is still so much I need, not want, but need to do in life and I need the support of the Universe to do it.
It's been a very strange year for me so far. My psychic abilities have been very keen. Many affirmations and these affirmations have opened my heart in a number of ways. Lately, I feel like my heart literally arrives at its location long before my body or mind. Perhaps that was part of my feeling today. I think maybe some part of me knew I would cross paths with the man on the street and be faced with the frailty of my own existence once again in a short amount of time.
Empath life is a thing, and I think what I'm trying to figure out anymore is am I using it the best way I can? Because I could not help that man today, so then why the connection? Was this just another heart opener? And if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, how can i be a little bit more at ease in it? Because its intense! How can I be a little more at ease in a world that is so close to me all the time? A world that is literally inside me causing feelings before my mind can become aware of it? A world that has been equally cruel to me as it has been amazing? How do you ease that? I don't know.
The irony here is that yes, I am a healer and through my creativity I help others along their spiritual journey, but I have no answers for myself much of the time. I don't really even know that I need answers because I love this about myself. I love being able to reach others and touch hearts. I don't want to close myself off or shut it down. However, I'm open to tips. I'd like to understand it better...
I don't know how to end this entry today. This has just been a moment of sharing a moment that touched me. Again, this is just my blog and I use it to express my truths along my journey. Some of this is incoherent, I'm sure, but I also hate editing. All I know right now is that my heart is majorly on my sleeve in this life and I just can't seem to move it...
Namaste 💜🙏💜
Stephanie
