I’m a sensitive super feeler. If you know me, you know this to be true and it's likely we've cried over something together more than once. I think all artists and creative people are super feelers and that “super feeling” nature is what drives us to create. We just have all these wacky feelings happening all the time and need to do something with them. For me, when I read a book, listen to music, or look at art, I actually feel the intention of the artist so deeply, that a part of me becomes it. I experience the sensation that inspired it and I actually start to think it’s me. This happens with people I meet and interact with, as well. I’ll look you in the eyes and begin to feel what you are feeling in my own body and mind. It’s empathy. I’m like a human Deanna Troi without those crazy bodysuits. It sounds weirder than it actually is, though. I think all people do this to varying degrees; some just have more secure boundaries. I’ve always been super sensitive like this and I consider it a gift, but boundaries have never really been my thing. I'm either all out there or completely isolated. No middle. No normal.
Having boundaries is really the ticket for super feelers and I’m only beginning to understand it. It’s only come to me in recent years just how very sensitive and easily influenced I am. It’s obvious to me when I look back, but I’ve not always understood this about myself. I’ve not always been able to distinguish someone else’s pain or joy from my own or someone else’s wants and needs from my own. I identify that closely with it. Problem is that I get so super in tune with everything and everyone else that I easily lose touch with me.
Art has always been part of me, but I've never been comfortable identifying as an artist. I've never been to art school. I don't know much about art history or famous artists or even how to paint. I figure it out as I go and follow whatever interests me. I just like making things and I always have. It sounds silly, but in my younger years I didn't know that what I was making was even art. I've never thought that hard about it. I just made stuff because that's what I do. So this post may seem obvious to those people who have always understood themselves to be artists. Maybe this is the sort of thing you learn in art school.... I don't know. I'm learning it on my own.
I went through a period where I completely lost touch with me. My Deanna Troi was taking over and I was trying so hard to make everybody happy that I forgot about me. In the meantime, I stopped expressing myself at all, creatively. I won't dive too deep here, other than to tell you that my life was super overwhelming to me at the time and because I suck at boundaries, it became even more overwhelming. I think I just sort of shut down. I knew what was happening, but at the same time I didn’t. I was in a lot of emotional pain over something and I kept telling myself I was moving on. But I wasn't. I was not in touch with myself and yet I was making a lot of major life choices from this place, digging myself in deeper. I thought I was doing all the right things, but my body was telling me otherwise. I was beginning to manifest physical pain and illness. I became very depressed. I was trying really hard to feel better, seeing doctors, taking meds, etc. Nothing really worked. I still felt sucky. And silly me, I did not see the correlation between my sadness, my lost sense of self, and my lack of creative expression.
Life has a funny way of leading us, though, and art just kept popping back up in my life in a number of ways. One lucky day I got the hint and was inspired to paint again. I went and bought supplies and just started making stuff. I hated every single thing I made but the more I painted, the more I wanted to paint. The things I made were very ugly and unhappy, but it felt good to be making stuff. Once I finished a painting, I really didn’t care about it. I didn’t care to keep it or hang it up or show it to anyone. I completely detached from it right away and in most cases, just painted over it or threw it in the trash. The important thing was that I got back in the swing of creating again. Just the act of creating something felt like "home" and I slowly began to recognize little bits of myself, to hear a tiny twinkle of my voice again. I noticed that I began to feel better physically, too. It was around this time that I developed an interest in yoga.
I have always expressed my truth as an artist, my truth from my perspective. I don’t think when we’re creating that we know any other way. We get an idea or feeling and we just go with it. But it is in the last couple of years that I've been practicing yoga and meditation regularly, that I have been able to really understand just how little of an influence my own internal voice has actually had on my life and with that, my art. This may sound odd but let me explain. Yoga is changing my whole perspective as a human and my art is along for the ride. I’m not sure how to put this clearly, it may only make sense to me and I guess that’s all that matters. But when I practice meditation, I am able to see just how much I've attached to pain in my life; how I identify as someone who is in pain, or someone who is stressed out, or angry, or whatever. When I am able to recognize that I am not my pain or life circumstances, it is from there that I understand my true essence, which is only love. It is not that I don’t experience pain or anger or fear in my life anymore or that I live in some fantasy land. Trust me, that is not it at all and I really don’t want that to be misunderstood. I’m just reminded when I meditate that I am not my pain or the dramas and traumas I’ve been through. I’m just me. And with more frequent practice, somehow this knowledge sinks in further and my excess emotions get released in a new way that actually feels even better to me than expressing them through art.
Yoga puts me in this perspective of love and it is from here that I am inspired to create and share now. And it’s interesting because it’s from here that I hear not a twinkle of my voice, but a voice that is crystal clear. From here, I know me. I know what I love and what I don’t love. I close my eyes now and I see what I need to make. I open my eyes and I know it’s me. It’s just that simple. I literally hear my voice telling me to use art to spread more love in the world and pay tribute to the beauty of life. I know some people will roll their eyes at that statement and I get that. On certain days, I'd probably roll my eyes, too. My inner voice is extremely corny and idealistic! But I’d be willing to bet that yours is too. ( ;) winky smile)
I can’t say this new perspective won't change. I do have an extremely short attention span, but this feels really different and I like where it’s leading me so far. I’m having all kinds of new experiences as an artist. The most major one is that I actually like what I'm making now. That’s a pretty big deal! Not only do I like it, but I also don’t care if anyone else likes it. Also a super big deal! Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love when people love what I make. That’s a beautiful feeling and it’s incredibly gratifying. The difference now is that I feel extremely confident in what has inspired me to create it. I don’t care anymore if my art is considered good, if it’s well-liked, or if it sells. I have absolute faith that I am supposed to be creating what I am creating right now, it actually moves me to tears. And the cool part is that I’m selling more than ever and reaching more people than ever. That’s a crazy feeling!
In my opinion, there is no wrong way to create. Obviously, all art is important and valuable. Everything is a stepping stone to growth and we have no choice but to keep stepping. Through art I have found my voice, which has lead me to yoga, which leads me back to art again. This is how I know art is for me. I’ve also become really aware of my need for boundaries. I've got to be more cautious with whom I share my energy so that I can be making choices that align with my spirit. I have a ways to go, but I’m excited to keep experimenting and sharing what is true for me. I believe this is how we make better connections with each other, which makes the world a better place. I also know that no matter what, I can’t stop creating. When I stop creating, super weird stuff happens. I’ve got to feed my creativity by creating. It's just a big circle! I’m excited to understand this now and I know I’ll never stop making stuff no matter what. And I hope you do too. That’s really the point I’m trying to get to. Just keep making stuff, everybody.